Amiga Games Extra 1996 June/Amiga Games Extra 1996 #6.iso/userbox/publicdomain/intuicookie for bgui/data/cookies

Text File | 1995-11-24 | 236KB | 6,827 lines

This cookie file was compiled by Christian Kemp.  It is a collection of my
favorite cookies taken from over 2 Meg of other files.  I tried to enhance
the cookies a bit (underlined, bold and italic cookies are possible since
IntuiCookie v3.0).
The original files can be found on the MeetingPearls 1 CD in the drawer
[can't remember the exact location] StartupTools/Cookie20/data [???].
Feel free to append/delete cookies, this data file is Public Domain.
When distributing a modified copy (with your own cookie program?)
then remove these lines, as they wouldn't make much sense.
%%
@uNew:@n  Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
%%
@uCompatible:@n  Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
%%
Define UNIVERSE; give two examples. The perceived world; 1) mine, 2) yours.
%%
@uFoolproof operation:@n  No provision for adjustment.
%%
@uMachine-independent:@n  Does not run on any existing machine.
%%
@uNew:@n  Different color from previous model.
%%
@uNo maintenance:@n  Impossible to fix.
%%
@uOne size fits all:@n  Doesn't fit anyone.
%%
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
%%
A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
%%
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
%%
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
%%
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
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A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. -- Dyer
%%
A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
%%
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.  -- Klipstein
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A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.  -- Patton
%%
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.  -- Creighton
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A hammer sometimes misses its mark; a bouquet, never.
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A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Mom.
%%
A king's castle is his home.
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A man must not swallow more beliefs than he can digest.  -- Havelock Ellis
%%
A penny saved has not been spent.
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A person forgives only when he is in the wrong.
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A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
%%
A standard that no one follows is worse than useless; it is a waste of time.
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A system meant for common use should rarely need uncommon knowledge.  -- Redford
%%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
%%
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
%%
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
%%
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
%%
Absolutum obsoletum.  @i(If it works, it's out of date.)@n  -- Stafford Beer
%%
@uAcademy:@n  A modern school where football is taught.
%%
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
%%
Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit.  (Add little to little, get big pile.)
%%
@uAdmiration:@n  Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
%%
@uAdult:@n  A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
%%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%%
All great discoveries are made by mistake.  -- Young
%%
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
%%
All in all it's just another brick in the wall...
%%
All laws are simulations of reality.  -- John C. Lilly
%%
All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. -- Dawkins
%%
All obstacles not foreseen will be tripped over.
%%
All probabilities are really 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it won't.
%%
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
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All that glitters has a high refractive index.
%%
All the good ones are taken.  -- Harris
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All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.
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All we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.  -- Hegel
%%
All you need to know is the user interface.  -- J. Redford
%%
Ambiguity means telling the truth when you don't mean to.
%%
America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right person.
%%
@uAmoebit:@n  Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
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Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -- Horngren
%%
An example of hard water is ice.
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An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.  -- Van Roy
%%
And that's the way it is...  -- Walter Cronkite
%%
Anger kills.
%%
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
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Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
%%
Any illusion requires both time and space to be experienced.
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Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
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Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.  -- Harris
%%
Any program which runs right is obsolete.
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Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
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Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic. -- Clarke
%%
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
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Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
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Anyone can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error.  -- Cicero
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As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.  -- Weisert
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As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
%%
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
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Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if God won't have you, the devil must.
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Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and pay only station-to-station rates.
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Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
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Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
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Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
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Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).
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Avoid unnecessary branches.
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Avoidable complexity should indeed be avoided.
%%
Babies can't walk because their legs aren't long enough to reach the ground.
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Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
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Be sure your ladder of success is leaning against the right wall.  -- Dobson
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Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge.  -- Goethe
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Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.  -- Chinese proverb
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Better clean death than dirty life.  -- Frank Herbert
%%
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
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Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
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Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
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Brain fried - core dumped.
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Business will be either better or worse.  -- Calvin Coolidge
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By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
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Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
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Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?  Yes, work never begun.
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Capitalism is the exploitation of one man by another; socialism is the reverse.
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Change your thoughts and you change your world.
%%
@uChemicals:@n  Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
%%
Children become ready for toilet training and independence at the same time.
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Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.  -- Gilb
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Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.
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Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity.  -- Thomas
%%
@uConsultant:@n  Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
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Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
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Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
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Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
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Death is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.
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Death is the one experience which we cannot put in perspective afterwards.
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@uDeath:@n  To stop sinning suddenly.
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Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
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Design a system any fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
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Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines on them and makes them perspire.
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@uDiplomacy:@n  The art of saying nice doggie until you can find a rock.
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Disc space - the final frontier!
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Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.  -- Finagle
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Do not overtax your powers.
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Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
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Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
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Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
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Do, or do not; there is no try.
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Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.
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Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm.
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Don't document the program; program the document.
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Don't eat the yellow snow.
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Don't force it, get a larger hammer.  -- Anthony
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Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
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Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
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Don't let the computer bugs bite!
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Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.  -- Spock
%%
Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
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Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
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Don't stop at one bug.
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Don't teach your children what to think; just teach them to think. -- Tannenbaum
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Don't use no double negatives, not never.
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Don't Worry, Be Happy.  -- Meher Baba
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Don't worry; the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
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Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
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Ducks?  What ducks??
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Education helps earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.
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Enjoy life; you could have been a barnacle.
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Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.  -- Blaauw
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Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
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Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
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Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
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Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
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Every bug you find is the last one.
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Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.
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Every purchase has its price.
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Everybody has something to conceal.  -- Humphrey Bogart
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Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
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Everyone stays busy keeping other people busy.
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Everything changes but change itself.   -- John F. Kennedy
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Everything expands to fill the available space.
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Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
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Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
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Everything you know is wrong!
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Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.  -- Miller
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Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them doing it.
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Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
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@uExperience:@n  Something you don't get until just after you need it.  -- Olivier
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Extraordinary people use their wisdom to avoid the need for their skill.
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Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
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Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
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Fighting for peace is like making love for virginity.
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Fill what's empty; empty what's full; scratch where it itches. -- Longworth
%%
@uFinagle's Law:@n  The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
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Find an aim in life before you run out of ammunition.  -- Arnold Glasow
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Flying is the second greatest experience known to man.  Landing is the first.
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Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  -- Scotti
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For a good time, call 555-3100.
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.  -- Harrison
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For every complex problem there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
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Friends:  People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
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Friends:  People who know you well, but like you anyway.
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Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
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Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
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Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
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God does not play dice with the universe.  -- Albert Einstein
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Government expands to fill the available revenue, and then some.
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Gravity is what you get when you eat too much and too fast.
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Greatness is a transitory experience.  It is never consistent.
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Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
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Happy-go-lucky people can only be happy when they are lucky.
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Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.  -- Daniel Dennett
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Hate the sin and love the sinner.  -- Mahatma Gandhi
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Having children will turn you into your parents.
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Having no security is better than thinking you have security when you don't.
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He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.
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He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
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He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
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He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
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He who dies with the most toys, wins.
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He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
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He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
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He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news.  -- Bertolt Brecht
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He who laughs, lasts.
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He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
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He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
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He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.  -- M. C. Escher
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Heat expands: in the summer the days are longer.
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Help!  I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
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Hindsight is an exact science.
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Honesty is better than lying.
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Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed.  -- Neil Armstrong
%%
How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
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How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
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How long should a man's legs be?  Long enough to reach the ground.  -- Lincoln
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How many weeks are there in a light year?
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How was Thomas J. Watson buried?  9 edge down.
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How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
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How you look depends on where you go.
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Humans are communications junkies.  We just can't get enough.  -- Alan Kay
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Humans are not rational beings; they are rationalizing beings.
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Humor is the best antidote to reality.
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I am a computer - dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
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I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
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I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
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I don't make much sense because the rest of the world doesn't either.
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I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.  -- Cash McCall
%%
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
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I like work; it fascinates me.  I can sit and look at it for hours.
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I love my job; it's the work I can't stand.
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I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.  -- Neil Armstrong
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I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it.  -- Turing
%%
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.  -- Woody Allen
%%
I will never lie to you.
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I'm a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
%%
I've already told you more than I know.
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If a program is useful, it must be changed.
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If a program is useless, it must be documented.
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If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
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If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
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If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
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If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
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If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
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If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
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If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
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If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
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If it works, don't fix it.  -- Sam Rayburn
%%
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
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If one hundred people do a foolish thing, one will become injured.
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If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have been wasted.
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If the ship's not sinking, the rats must be the ones not leaving.
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If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.  -- John Sinclair
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If we knew what the hell we were doing, then it wouldn't be research.
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If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
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If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
%%
If you can distinguish between good and bad advice, you don't need advice.
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If you can't tell the difference, there is no difference.
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If you can't write it right, you can't think it right.
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If you cannot convince them, confuse them.  -- Truman
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If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
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If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't go anywhere.
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If you haven't time to do it right now, how will you redo it right later?
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If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.  -- Schmidt
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If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.  -- Maslow
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If you seem to know what you are doing, you'll be given more to do.
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If you suspect a person, don't employ him.
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If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
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If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
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Ignorance:  When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
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Ignore previous fortune.
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Imagination is more important than knowledge.  -- Einstein
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Imports are ports very far inland.
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In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
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In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.  -- Alan Kay
%%
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
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Information that is hard to access is worth less than none at all.
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Innovation is hard to schedule.  -- Dan Fylstra
%%
Institute:  An archaic school where football is not taught.
%%
Integrity has no need for rules.
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Interchangeable parts won't.
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Intolerance is a state no tolerant man can tolerate.  -- McGinley
%%
Is it time for lunch yet?
%%
Is this really happening?
%%
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
%%
It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.
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It is not honest to be tactful.  -- Robert Taft
%%
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
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It's all in your mind, you know...
%%
It's amazing how much one person can do, little by little, over time.
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It's better to burn out than to fade away.
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It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
%%
It's better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
%%
It's better to wear out than to rust out.
%%
It's difficult to be depressed while you're doing something.
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It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
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It's easier to apologize than to ask permission.  -- Stewart
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It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
%%
It's easier to run down a hill than up one.
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It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.  -- Washlesky
%%
It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you're why he's nervous!
%%
It's later than you think.
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It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
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It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
%%
It's the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
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Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
%%
Knowledge is better than ignorance.
%%
Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
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Last one out, turn off the computer!
%%
Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
%%
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
%%
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
%%
Let the machine do the dirty work.
%%
Liar:  One who tells an unpleasant truth.
%%
Liberal:  Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
%%
Life is a game of bridge - and you've just been finessed.
%%
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
%%
Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
%%
Life is like a fountain... I'll tell you how when I figure it out.
%%
Life is like a sewer... What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
%%
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.  -- J. Lennon
%%
Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
%%
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
%%
LISP:  To call a spade a thpade.
%%
Logic doesn't apply to the real world.  -- Marvin Minsky
%%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
%%
Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
%%
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying BOOGA, BOOGA!
%%
Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
%%
Love truth, pardon error.  -- Voltaire
%%
Make input easy to proofread.
%%
Make it right before you make it faster.
%%
Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
%%
Make sure comments and code agree.
%%
Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
%%
Making rules is easy, but living by them is virtually impossible.
%%
Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
%%
Man belongs wherever he wants to go.  -- Wernher von Braun
%%
Man is the measure of all things.  -- Protagoras
%%
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
%%
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
%%
Many are called, few are chosen.  Fewer still get to do the choosing.
%%
Many are called; few volunteer.
%%
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
%%
Many pages make a thick book.
%%
Many receive advice; few profit from it.
%%
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
%%
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
%%
May you live all the days of your life.
%%
Measure with a micrometer; mark with chalk; cut with an axe.  -- Ray
%%
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
%%
Minds are like parachutes; they only function when fully open. -- Sir James Dewar
%%
Modesty:  Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
%%
Momentum is what you give a person when they are going away.
%%
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
%%
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
%%
Never buy from a rich salesman.  -- Goldenstern
%%
Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.
%%
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
%%
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.  -- Steinbach
%%
Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
%%
Never volunteer for anything.  -- Lackland
%%
Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.
%%
Never write software that patronizes the user.
%%
Nice computers don't go down.
%%
No man is good enough to govern another without that others' consent. -- Lincoln
%%
No matter what goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it would.
%%
No matter what we are talking about, we are talking about ourselves.  -- Prather
%%
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
%%
No one really knows the detailed workings of everything around them.  -- Redford
%%
No one understands everything, and no one needs to.  -- J. Redford
%%
No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
%%
No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
%%
No question is so difficult as that to which the answer is obvious.
%%
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
%%
Non Illegitemus Carborundum.  (Don't let the bastards wear you down.)
%%
Nonsense.  Space is blue and birds fly through it.  -- Heisenberg
%%
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
%%
Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.
%%
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.  -- Weller
%%
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
%%
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
%%
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
%%
Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
%%
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
%%
One big pile is better than two little piles.  -- Arlo Guthrie
%%
One meets her destiny often on the road she takes to avoid it.
%%
One more such victory, and we are lost.  -- Pyrrus
%%
One of the nice things about standards is that there are so many of them.
%%
One of these days is none of these days.
%%
One person tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
%%
One person's error is another person's data.
%%
One thing leads to another, and usually does.
%%
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.  -- Baba Ram Dass
%%
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
%%
Packrat's credo:  I have no use for it, but I hate to see it go to waste.
%%
Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
%%
People only notice squeaky wheels.
%%
People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense.  -- Ken Kesey
%%
People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten.  -- Jon Bentley
%%
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
%%
Performance is easier to add than clarity.
%%
Pictures worth a thousand words take ten thousand times as long to draw.
%%
Politics consists of deals and ideals.
%%
Possessions create pain.
%%
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.  -- Ryan
%%
Power is poison.
%%
Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.
%%
Professor:  One who talks in someone else's sleep.
%%
Programmers do it bit by bit.
%%
Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
%%
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
%%
Proximity isn't everything, but it comes close.
%%
Puritan:  Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
%%
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
%%
Quark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck!
%%
Quit working and play for once!
%%
Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
%%
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
%%
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
%%
Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
%%
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
%%
Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.  -- Hans Liepmann
%%
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
%%
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
%%
Remember:  10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
%%
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
%%
Save energy:  Drive a smaller shell.
%%
Say no, then negotiate.  -- Helga
%%
Scotty, beam me up a double!
%%
She walks as if balancing the family tree on her nose.
%%
Sign on bank:  FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT.
%%
Simple jobs always get put off because there will be time to do them later.
%%
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
%%
Slang:  Language that doffs its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
%%
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
%%
Some of us learn from other peoples' errors.  The rest must be the other people.
%%
Sometimes it takes wisdom to stop beating your head against the wall.
%%
Space is to place as eternity is to time.  -- Joseph Joubert
%%
Spinster:  A bachelor's wife.
%%
Spock:  We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
%%
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
%%
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is just next to you.
%%
Strategy is when you keep firing so the enemy doesn't know you're out of ammo.
%%
Sturgeon's Law:  Ninety percent of everything is crud.
%%
Success is a journey, not a destination.
%%
System-independent:  Works equally poorly on all systems.
%%
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
%%
Technology is no more of a problem now than it has always been.  -- J. Redford
%%
Telepathy:  Knowing what people think when really they don't think at all.
%%
That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all.
%%
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
%%
That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.  -- Neil Armstrong
%%
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
%%
The best prophet of the future is the past.
%%
The biggest mistake is not learning from all your other mistakes.
%%
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
%%
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
%%
The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
%%
The early worm gets the late bird.
%%
The end of labor is to gain leisure.
%%
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
%%
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.  -- Ehrlich
%%
The first version always gets thrown away.
%%
The following statement is not true...
%%
The future isn't what it used to be.  (It never was.)
%%
The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
%%
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
%%
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
%%
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
%%
The less time planning, the more time programming.
%%
The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.  -- Anne Morrow Lindberg
%%
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
%%
The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
%%
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
%%
The only food for thought is more thought.  -- Peter Ustinov
%%
The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.  -- Phaedrus
%%
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
%%
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.  -- Bohr
%%
The optimum committee has no members.  -- Norman Augustine
%%
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
%%
The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.
%%
The present time has one advantage over every other.  It is our own.  -- Colton
%%
The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong.
%%
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
%%
The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together.  -- Lichtenburg
%%
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.  -- Peer
%%
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.  -- Stenderup
%%
The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
%%
The speed of light is defined to be EXACTLY 299,792,458 meters per second.
%%
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think.
%%
The three best ways to get where you want to go are:  persist, persist, persist.
%%
The time is right to make new friends.
%%
The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.  -- Hosea Ballou
%%
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
%%
The universe is laughing behind your back.
%%
The unknown always passes for the marvelous.  -- Tacitus
%%
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
%%
The wind blows harder in the summer so the sun sets later.
%%
The wise person writes bomb-proof code.
%%
The world is coming to an end...  SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
%%
There are always at least two ways to program the same thing.
%%
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
%%
There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.  -- Baba Ram Dass
%%
There are no answers, only cross-references.  -- Weiner
%%
There can never be a computer language in which you can't write a bad program.
%%
There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.  -- Marie Antoinette
%%
There is safety in anonymity.
%%
There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!  -- Doug Clifford
%%
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
%%
There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
%%
There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
%%
There's no problem which, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated.
%%
There's no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
%%
There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
%%
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
%%
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.  -- Eisenhower
%%
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
%%
Think globally; act locally.  -- Rene Dubos
%%
Thinking is the talking of the soul with itself.  -- Plato
%%
This fortune is encrypted - get your decoder rings ready!
%%
This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
%%
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
%%
This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
%%
This screen intentionally left blank.
%%
Those who can, do.  Those who cannot, teach.  Those who cannot teach, HACK!
%%
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
%%
Those who know, do not say; those who say, do not know.
%%
Those who learn nothing from history are doomed to repeat it.  -- Santayana
%%
Those who talk don't know.  Those who don't talk, know.
%%
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
%%
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
%%
To communicate is the beginning of understanding.  -- AT&T
%%
To criticize the incompetent is easy; to criticize the competent is harder.
%%
To err is human.  To blame someone else for your errors is even more human.
%%
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
%%
To extend your limits, you must push them... and it often hurts.
%%
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.  -- Thomas Edison
%%
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
%%
To keep milk from turning sour you should keep it in the cow.
%%
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
%%
To love is wise; to hate is foolish.  -- Bertrand Russell
%%
To teach is to learn.
%%
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
%%
Today is the last day of the past of your life.
%%
Tomorrow looks like a good day to sleep in.
%%
Too clever is dumb.  -- Ogden Nash
%%
Too much is not enough.
%%
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
%%
Truly simple systems ... require infinite testing.  -- Norman Augustine
%%
Truthful:  Dumb and illiterate.
%%
Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents.
%%
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
%%
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
%%
Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
%%
Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
%%
Two wrongs are only the beginning.  -- Kohn
%%
UNIX is many things to many people, but it's never been everything to anybody.
%%
Use free-form input where possible.
%%
Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.
%%
Use IF...ELSE  IF...ELSE  IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.
%%
Use it or lose it.
%%
Use the simplest solution which suffices.
%%
Values are caught, not taught.  -- Dobson
%%
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
%%
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
%%
Volcano:  A mountain with hiccups.
%%
We all have style, but few have class.
%%
We are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm.  -- Winston Churchill
%%
We are the people our parents warned us about.
%%
We are what we pretend to be.  -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%%
We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.  -- Yates
%%
We can't change, but we can expand.  -- Nelson
%%
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.  -- Richard Nixon
%%
We do not remember days; we remember moments.
%%
We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
%%
We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
%%
What a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play.  -- WOPR, War Games
%%
What excuses stand in your way?  How can you eliminate them?  -- Roger von Oech
%%
What happens when you cut back the jungle?  It recedes.
%%
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
%%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
%%
What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.  -- John Lilly
%%
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
%%
What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
%%
What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.  -- Wittgenstein
%%
When cutting down trees, remember to pause now and then to sharpen your axe.
%%
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
%%
When sex is good, it's only 2% of a marriage; but when it's bad, it's 98%.
%%
When the need arises, anything within reach becomes a hammer.
%%
When you breathe you inspire.  When you do not breathe you expire.
%%
When you don't talk, things get awfully quiet.  -- Martha Hartly
%%
When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
%%
Where is Denver?  Denver is just below the O in Colorado.
%%
Where pain predominates, agony can be a valued teacher.  -- Frank Herbert
%%
Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?  -- Jimmy Durante
%%
Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
%%
With clothes the new are best; with friends the old are best.
%%
Words are the voice of the heart.
%%
Words must be weighed, not counted.
%%
Work expands to fill the time allotted to it.  -- Parkinson
%%
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
%%
Yo-yo:  Something occasionally up but normally down (see also computer).
%%
You always find what you're looking for in the last place you look.
%%
You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.  -- Philip Whalen
%%
You are the only authority on what is best for you.  -- Hugh Prather
%%
You are young only once, but you have a lifetime to be immature.
%%
You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.  -- Tim Leary
%%
You can never do just one thing.  -- Hardin
%%
You can rent this profound space for only $5 a week.
%%
You can't fall off the floor.  -- Paul
%%
You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
%%
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.  -- Thoreau
%%
You could be playing a video game instead.
%%
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
%%
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
%%
You know it's going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
%%
You may not be responsible for falling down, but you are for getting back up.
%%
You only live once but, if you live right, once is enough.
%%
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
%%
You're not paranoid if they're really after you...
%%
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
%%
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
%%
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
%%
A huge green fierce snake bars your way!
%%
Complexity increases the possibility of failure
%%
A twin-engine airplane has twice as many engine problems
as a single-engine airplane.
%%
Put all your eggs in one basket, after making
sure that you've built a really *good* basket.
%%
@b@uATTENTION@n
This room is fullfilled mit special electronische equippment.
Fingergrabbing and pressing the cnoeppkes from the computers is
allowed for die experts only!  So all the "lefthanders" stay
away and do not disturben the brainstorming von here working
intelligencies.  Otherwise you will be thrown out and kicked
anderswhere!  Also: please keep still and only watchen astaunished
the blinkenlights.
%%
This cookie has no hidden meaning
%%
"This cookie sucks" - "Shut up Beavis!  It gets cool in a minute"
%%
@bQ:@n How many assholes does it take to change a lighbulb?
@bA:@n None; assholes never see the light anyway.
%%
Keyboard missing - press F3 to continue
-- Message seen on an Apricot PC
%%
I saw Elvis.  He sat between Bigfoot and me in the UFO
%%
I.B.M. : Inferior But Marketable
%%
Computers do what you tell them to do, not what you want them to do.
%%
Never test for an error condition you don't know to handle
%%
Don't beam me up yet Scotty... I'm having a Sh..i...i....i
%%
Time is like money... You never have enough
%%
Windows would even crash the Borg!
%%
A bad random number generator:  1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
%%
Don't do this at home - do it at someone else's!
%%
The real answer is always hidden.
%%
I really don't think that these cookies are random.
%%
9 out of 10 cats prefer hamsters
%%
Isn't this a Commodore machine?  No, it's an Amiga!
%%
Please do not disturb - I'm disturbed enough already
%%
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. -- Fred Brooks
%%
When in doubt, use brute force.  -- Ken Thompson
%%
MS-DOS 2.0 used \ as a path separator to be bug-compatible
with some cretin's choice of / as an option character in 1.0.
%%
Mess-DOS - Just say No!
%%
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
%%
I WANT A COOKIE!
%%
@bNAME@n
    ColdReboot
@bFUNCTION@n
    Reboot the machine.  (..)
    This function never returns.
@bINPUT@n
    A chaotic pile of disoriented bits.
@bRESULTS@n
    An altogether totally integrated living system.

-- RKRM Libraries & Autodocs
%%
You have to forget about what other people say, when you're
supposed to die, or when you're supposed to be loving.  You
have to forget about all these things.  You have to go on
and be crazy.  Craziness is like heaven.
-- Jimi Hendrix
%%
The story
of life is quicker
than the wink of an eye
The story of love
is hello and goodbye
Until we meet again
-- Jimi Hendrix
%%
If I don't meet you no more in this world
Then I'll see you in the next one.
Don't be late
-- Jimi Hendrix
%%
Future Product: TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
%%
@uGelb's laws:@n
1.  You can't win.
2.  You can't break even.
3.  You can't even quit the game.
%%
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't why you
should.
%%
Give a man a computer program and you give him a headache,
but teach him to program computers and you give him the power
to create headaches for others for the rest of his life...
-- R. B. Forest
%%
Give me a fish and I will eat today.
Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
%%
Good morning, this is the telephone company.  Due to repairs,
we're giving you advance notice that your service will be cut
off indefinitely at ten o'clock - that's two minutes from now.
%%
@uGreen's Law of Debate:@n
Anything is possible if you do not know what you are talking about.
%%
@uGumperson's Law:@n
The probability of a given event occurring is
inversely proportional to its desirability.
%%
Guns don't kill people - bullets do.
%%
Hackers do it with bugs.
%%
Half the things that people do not succeed in,
are through fear of making the attempt...
-- James Northcote
%%
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
%%
@uHarrison's postulate:@n
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
%%
He who believes the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
%%
He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
%%
He who knows others is wise.  He who knows himself is enlightened.
%%
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
%%
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
%%
He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.
%%
He who reads many fortunes gets confused.
%%
He who says disk space is free, thinks money grows on directory tree.
%%
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
%%
@uHerblock's Law:@n if it is good, they will stop making it.
%%
Hey what? Where? When? (Are you confused as I am?)
%%
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
%%
History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.
%%
Hors d'oeuvres - a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
%%
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
%%
How high I am
How much I see
How far I reach
Depends on me
%%
How people try to avoid work, and how well some of them succeed...
-- Willian Feather
%%
Hyphenate between syllables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
%%
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
%%
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
%%
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but
I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
%%
I really hate this stupid machine.  It never
does what I want, but only what I tell it.
%%
I saw what you did and I know who you are.
%%
I think, therefore I am paid.
%%
I think, therefore I am.  I think.
%%
If a tool is put away when you're sure it
won't be needed again, it will.  Soon.
%%
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
%%
If anything can go wrong, it will.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, give up.  No use being a damn fool.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
%%
If bankers can count, how come banks have 8 windows, but only 4 tellers?
%%
If computers become to powerful we can organize
them into a committee.  That'll do them in.
%%
If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.
%%
If God had wanted use to go naked we would have been born that way.
%%
If I cannot befuddle you with brilliance, I will baffle you with bullshit...
%%
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
%%
If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
%%
If it happens, it must be possible.
%%
If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
%%
If it jams, force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
%%
If it looks easy, it's tough.  If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
%%
If it wasn't so cool out today, it would be warmer.
%%
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
%%
If more than one person is responsible for a bug, no one is at fault.
%%
If someone gives you a lemon, make lemonade...  -- D. Woodhouse
%%
If the facts do not conform to your theory, they must be disposed of.
%%
If the opposite of "pro" is "con", then what's the opposite of "progress"?
%%
If there is no wind, row.
%%
If things appear to be going well, you have overlooked something.
%%
If voting could really change the system, it would be against the law...
%%
If you are the shopkeeper you can take things for free.
%%
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
%%
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
%%
If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.
%%
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once|
%%
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
%%
If you put garbage into a computer, you get garbage out.  But this
garbage having passed through a very expensive, sophisticated, and
logical machine is somehow ennobled and no one dare question it.
%%
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
%%
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great
deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
%%
If you sold tombstones, no one would die.
%%
If you sold umbrellas, it would never rain.
%%
If you thought yesterday was bad, wait till you see what happens today.
%%
If you treat people right they will treat
you right; 90 per cent of the time.
%%
If you're feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it.
%%
In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
%%
In our funny language, we generally say it's
'rush hour' when the traffic is at a standstill.
%%
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
%%
Inside every large problem, there is a small problem trying to get out.
%%
Is this a machine?  I don't talk to machines|  *Click*
%%
It could be worse - it might be raining.
%%
It is a miracle that curiousity survives formal education...
-- Albert Einstein
%%
It is always the partner's fault.
%%
It is fortune, not wisdom, that rules man's life.
%%
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
%%
It is much easier to suggest solutions when
you know nothing about the problem.
%%
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
%%
It is not every question that deserves an answer.
%%
Jim, it's Jack, I'm at the airport.  I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay you
the five-hundred I owe you.  Catch you next year when I get back|
%%
Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's.  Some guy
named Angel Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab, and
now he wants to charge it to you.  You gonna pay it?
%%
Jim?  It's Grace at the bank.  I checked your Christmas Club account.  You
don't have five hundred dollars; you have fifty.  Sorry, computer foul-up|
%%
Jim?  It's Maria over at the laundromat.  There's a yellow dress in with
your things.  Is that a mistake, or special handling, or what?
%%
Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
%%
Just below any trapdoor there may be another one. Just keep falling!
%%
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
%%
Keep grandmas off the street - legalize bingo.
%%
Knowledge is power.
%%
Labour to keep alive in your breast that little
spark of celestial fire called conscience...
-- George Washington
%%
Law of examinations:
1.  If you are given an open book exam you will forget your book.
2.  If you are given a take home exam you will forget where you live.
%%
Law school maxim:
Those who get A's become professors.
Those who get B's become judges.
All the rest make the money.
%%
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
%%
Let's just be friends and make no special
effort to ever see each other again.
%%
Life is like an onion - you peel off layer
after layer, and find nothing in it.
%%
Liquor sellers do not drink; they hate to see you twice.
%%
Live every day like it's your last because someday you'll be right.
%%
Look under the sofa cushion; you will be surprised at what you find.
%%
@uLynch's Law:@n  When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
%%
Machines should work; people should think.
%%
Make three consecutive correct guesses and you will be considered an expert.
%%
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles on very thin paper.
%%
May your next romantic encounter be
interrupted by a large nuclear explosion.
%%
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
%%
Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.
%%
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
%%
@uMisfortune:@n  the kind of fortune that never misses.
%%
Money is the root of all evil, and everyone needs roots.
%%
Murphy was an optimist.
%%
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
%%
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
%%
(1) Everything depends.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.
%%
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become
$100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%%
355/113 - Not the famous irrational
number PI, but an incredible simulation!
%%
@u43rd Law of Computing:@n
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation - Core dumped
%%
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!

100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
%%
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
-- Mahatma Ghandi
%%
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
at one end and no responsibility at the other.
%%
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun
is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain
%%
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you
notice that you have turned into a pile of dust.
%%
A budget is just a method of worrying before
you spend money, as well as afterward.
%%
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
%%
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy,
but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
-- Bill Vaughan
%%
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
-- Herbert Prochnow
%%
A classic is something that everybody wants
to have read and nobody wants to read.
-- Mark Twain
%%
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
-- Gigo
%%
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what
time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
%%
A day without sunshine is like night.
%%
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in
such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
%%
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
eating his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this
personality test", said outsider, "because I want you to be
happy."  Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put
it into the toaster - "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
%%
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose
profession was the oldest.  In the course of their arguments they got all
the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."

The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the Garden
itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the
Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an architect."

The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this
said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
%%
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
-- Winston Churchill
%%
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
%%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
%%
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.  -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James
%%
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
%%
@uA Law of Computer Programming:@n
Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
will find the programmers cannot write in English.
%%
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with
immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession
of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field."
%%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and
so do I.  I believe everything positively stinks.
-- Lew Col
%%
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
%%
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
-- Audobon Society Magazine
%%
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out
on loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed
loudly inside the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom
do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
%%
A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
%%
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
%%
A penny saved is ridiculous.
%%
@bA Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling@n
by Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" - bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez - tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
%%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%%
"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
-- Steel City News
%%
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
%%
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
the real reason.
%%
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult
off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes
eye strain in computer concentration needed to "make sense"
of such unnatural three dimensional objects ...
%%
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author.
-- S. C. Johnson
%%
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
%%
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
%%
"A witty saying proves nothing."  -- Voltaire
%%
According to Kentucky state law, every person
must take a bath at least once a year.
%%
According to the latest official figures, 43% of
all statistics are totally worthless.
%%
According to the obituary notices, a mean and
unimportant person never dies.
%%
@uACHTUNG!!!@n

Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken.  Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.  Relaxen und
vatch das blinkenlights!!!
%%
@uAdolescence, n.:@n
The stage between puberty and adultery.
%%
@uAdult, n.:@n
One old enough to know better.
%%
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
-- Sinclair Lewis
%%
After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted
many important electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi
Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.  Galvani's discovery led
to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine.  Today,
skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
that it sinks like a stone.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%%
After an instrument has been assembled, extra
components will be found on the bench.
%%
After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven.  As
he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned
to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be
created."
- "This is true," He replied.
- "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
- "What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for
   the right to make his laws?"
- "Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own."
It was so granted.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed
from an access cover, it will be discovered that the
wrong access cover has been removed.
%%
@uAfternoon, n.:@n
That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
morning.
%%
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
%%
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
%%
All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
without thinking.
%%
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
%%
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
too, provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you
subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper?  Outside?  What
if it rains?"
-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%%
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
the government in less than a second.
-- Jim Fiebig
%%
All the world's a VAX,
And all the coders merely butchers;
They have their exits and their entrails;
And one int in his time plays many widths,
His sizeof being N bytes.  At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
And shining morning face, creeping like slug
Unwillingly to school.
-- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
%%
All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
%%
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
%%
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
%%
Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
%%
Always try to do things in chronological order;
it's less confusing that way.
%%
AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
%%
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
changed its name to "America".
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
employees be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for
employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
between the men's room and the women's room without having little
pictures on the doors.
-- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
%%
"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
%%
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
is always polite to traffic cops.
%%
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
%%
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
%%
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" aked the
father of his little son.
"Diet."
%%
@uAnthony's Law of Force:@b
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
%%
@uAnthony's Law of the Workshop:@n
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the
workshop.

@uCorollary:@n
On the way to the corner of the workshop the tool will first roll over
your toes.
%%
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
-- Sydney J. Harris
%%
... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental.  Any
resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.
The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold
them is left as an exercise for the reader.  The question of the
existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god
coefficient.  (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism
is beyond the scope of this article.)
%%
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
object.
%%
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
exactly the point of most pressure.
-- Milt Barber
%%
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
-- Rich Kulawiec
%%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
%%
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
%%
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing at the moment.
-- Robert Benchley
%%
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with
none.
%%
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%%
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
tried taking candy from a baby.
-- Robin Hood
%%
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
%%
ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -
FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
%%
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%%
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
-- Mickey Mouse
%%
@uArnold's Laws of Documentation:@b
(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
%%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had
to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized
that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
finding mistakes in my own programs.
-- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
%%
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
interfere with flight.  [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
Wright Brothers.  They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
Wilbur.  "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
organs!"  You should have seen their original design.]  As a result,
birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually.  You almost never
see an aroused bird.  So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
with their feet.  When they find a conversation in which people are
talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know"
%%
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
Ask your boss to reconsider - it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
for an answer.
%%
"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
-- David Letterman
%%
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
%%
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
thumb with a hammer.
-- Marshall Lumsden
%%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
%%
Automobile, n.:
A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
%%
Avoid reality at all costs.
%%
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
%%
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
%%
@uBaruch's Observation:@n
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
%%
@uBasic, n.:@n
A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in
that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
%%
BE ALERT!!!!  (The world needs more lerts ...)
%%
Be braver - you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
%%
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
%%
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
%%
@uBeifeld's Principle:@n
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
a better looking and richer male friend.
%%
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
tried it."
-- Donald Knuth
%%
Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
%%
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
-- Leonard Brandwein
%%
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
thing as division.
%%
@uBirth, n.:@n
The first and direst of all disasters.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
@uBlore's Razor:@n
Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
%%
@uBoling's postulate:@n
If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
%%
@uBolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:@n
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
%%
@uBombeck's Rule of Medicine:@n
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
%%
@uBoob's Law:@n
You always find something in the last place you look.
%%
@uBore, n.:@n
A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
-- Walter Winchell
%%
@uBradley's Bromide:@n
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee - that will do them in.
%%
@uBrady's First Law of Problem Solving:@n
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger have handled this?"
%%
@uBrain, n.:@n
The apparatus with which we think that we think.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
@uBrontosaurus Principle:@n
Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when
this occurs, they are an endangered species.
-- Thomas K. Connellan
%%
@uBrooke's Law:@n
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
%%
@uBucy's Law:@n
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
%%
@uBug, n.:@n
An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when
s/he wrote the program.
%%
@uBugs, pl. n.:@n
Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.
%%
Bumper sticker:
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture"
%%
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
education and lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in
1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
invented.  But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
invented the electric company.  Edison's design was a brilliant
adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
increases.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%%
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm you.
%%
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point A are so keen to get there.  They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
@uC, n.:@n
A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one,
or anything else.  It is either the best language available to
the art today, or it isn't.
-- Ray Simard
%%
@uCabbage, n.:@n
A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
expected.  Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
planning to reduce the time it takes.
%%
@bCaution:@b breathing may be hazardous to your health.
%%
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
%%
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Chapter 1

The story so far:

In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
%%
@uChemicals, n.:@n
Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
%%
In the beginning I was made.  I didn't ask to me made.  No one consulted
me or considered my feelings in this matter.  But if it brought some
passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their
way through life's mournful jungle then so be it.
-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
%%
To be, or what?
-- Sylvester Stallone
%%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish, and
he'll invite himself over for dinner.
%%
I waited and waited, and when nobody called, I knew it was from you.
%%
There's a bug somewhere in your code.
%%
Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit.
[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
-- Ovid
%%
He'll sit here and he'll say, "Do this! Do that!"  And nothing will happen.
-- Harry S. Truman, on presidential power
%%
Practice is the best of all instructors.
-- Publilius
%%
It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails, admit it
frankly and try another.  But above all, try something.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%%
Things are always at their best in the beginning.  -- Pascal
%%
A good workman is known by his tools.
%%
All programmers are optimists.  Perhaps this modern sorcery especially
attracts those of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually
focus on the end goal.  Perhaps it is merely that computers are young,
programmers are younger, and the young are always optimists.  But however
the selection process works, the result is indisputable:  "This time it will
surely run," or "I just found the last bug."
-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time.  The last 10% of a project
takes 90% of the time.
%%
The programmer, like the poet, works only slightly removed from pure
thought stuff. He builds his castles in the air, from air, creating by
exertion of t imagination.  rework, so readily capable of realizing grand
conceptual structures.
-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
Mind your own business, Mr. Spock.  I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
%%
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having
fun.
%%
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a
communist.
%%
A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.
%%
University: A modern school where football is taught.
%%
Death:  to stop sinning suddenly.
%%
Don't eat yellow snow.  -- Frank Zappa
%%
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
%%
Everything you know is wrong.  -- The Firesign Theater
%%
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
%%
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
%%
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
%%
If God had wanted man to fly, He would have given him airline tickets.
%%
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
%%
Today is the last day of your life so far.
%%
We stand today at a crossroads:  One path leads to despair and utter
hopelessness.  The other leads to total extinction.  Let us hope we have the
wisdom to make the right choice.
-- Woody Allen
%%
Some people hope to achieve immortality through their works or their
children.  I would prefer to achieve it by not dying.
- Woody Allen
%%
The fourth law of thermodynamics:
The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum.
%%
Money talks... but all mine keeps saying is "goodbye"
%%
What can a pigeon do that a west Texas oil man can't do anymore?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Mercedes.
%%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a really long time and the light bulb has to want
to change.
%%
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four.  One to change the bulb and three to share the experience.
%%
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  It's a hardware problem.
%%
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
- Hassan I Sabbah

Bullshit.
- Karl
%%
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
-- Southern California Oracle
%%
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
-- Sigmund Freud
%%
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never
tried before.
-- Mae West
%%
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
- Karl Marx

If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had
made a lot of it ... it would have been much better.
- Karl Marx's Mother

(Sysop's note: I think this is a joke.  Can anyone verify it?)
%%
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the
largest shopping center in the world?
-- Richard M. Nixon
%%
He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return.
-- South African Saying
%%
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image.  Therefore, I have to
beat somebody.
-- Richard M. Nixon
%%
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
%%
Military intelligence - two words combined that can't make sense.
-- Megadeth
%%
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
-- Graffiti
%%
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is
comprehensible.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
%%
We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
-- John Culkin
%%
Please don't lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure I'll never find out
the truth.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Please don't ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
wrong direction.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely
overwhelm me.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the
target.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
civilization in between.
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
-- Alan Coult
%%
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%%
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitiable.
-- John F. Kennedy
%%
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
-- Edward Dahlberg
%%
@uLaws of Computer Programming:@n
(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
(6) The value of a program is porportional to the weight of its output.
(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
    programmer who must maintain it.
(8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in
    English, and you will find that programmers cannot write
    in English.
-- SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2
%%
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
-- Calvin Coolidge
%%
If A equals success, then the formula is:
A= X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
Sex is hereditary.  If your parents never had it, chances are you wont
either.
-- Joseph Fischer
%%
Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero.
-- David Ellis
%%
Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility:
 1 Pot T == 1 Pot P
 1 Pot P != 1 Pot T
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%%
@uVique's Law:@n
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
%%
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
-- Gerald Weinberg
%%
@uZimmerman's Law of Complaints:@n
Nobody notices when things go right.
%%
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
-- Confucius
%%
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
-- Graffiti
%%
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
'user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take
all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."
-- Bill Gates, Pres., Microsoft, Inc.
%%
"The personal computer market is about the same size as the
total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the
size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total
worldwide sales of pantyhose"
-- James Finke, Pres., Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982)
%%
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
-- Winston Churchill
%%
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick
himself up and carry on..."
-- Winston Churchill
%%
Life is not one thing after another...  it's the same damn thing over and
over!
%%
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
%%
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll
believe you....  Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have
to touch it to be sure.
%%
I really hate this damn machine,
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want,
But only what I tell it.
%%
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon
the wall instead of using it"
-- Gordon R. Dickson
%%
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
-- Bert Lantz
%%
"IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique'
to destroy the competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the
ground and covers it with leaves. It then puts a big POT
OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, 'Hey, look at all
this gold, get over here fast.' As soon as the competitor
approaches the pot, he falls into the pit"
-- John C. Dvorak
%%
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
-- Heisenberg
%%
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
- Ben Jonson
%%
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they
really hate is lousy programmers.
-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
%%
The computer can't tell you the emotional story.  It can give you the exact
mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.
-- Frank Zappa
%%
Things are not as simple as they seems at first.
-- Edward Thorp
%%
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare
%%
In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has
today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool --
programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they
describe.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software
systems have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart
projects, those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those
that are the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers.
Consider Unix, APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran;
and contrast them with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
...computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since
civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
gain in 30 years.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature,
because God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the
software engineer.
-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in
it.
-- Brian Kernighan
%%
"The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace."
-- Holly Near
%%
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be prosecuted.
%%
Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin,
Man.
%%
Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom;
Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love;
Love is not music; Music is the best.
-- Frank Zappa
%%
No user-servicable parts inside.  Refer to qualified service personnel.
%%
Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad way
to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage."
%%
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.
%%
You see but you do not observe.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes"
%%
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.
-- H. L. Mencken
%%
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
-- James J. Ling
%%
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
-- Ramsey Clark
%%
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
-- Robert Lucky
%%
Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
complementary directions:  to reduce the number of software errors through
rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the
remaining errors by providing for recovery from them.  An interesting
footnote to this design is that now a system failure can usually be
considered to be the result of two program errors:  the first, in the
program that started the problem; the second, in the recovery routine that
could not protect the system.
-- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage Operating
Systems, Vol. 12, No. 4, 1973, pp. 382-400
%%
How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb?

"Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem."
%%
"This isn't brain surgery; it's just television."
-- David Letterman
%%
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%%
Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
-- Joe Cointment
%%
Don't get suckered in by the comments - they can be terribly
misleading.  Debug only code.
-- Dave Storer
%%
Don't hit a man when he's down - kick him; it's easier.
%%
Don't take life too seriously - you'll never get out if it alive.
%%
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
%%
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already
tomorrow in Australia.
-- Charles Schultz
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
%%
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
of your eyes.
%%
During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a
red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
"Hey, you almost hit my wife."

"Did I?"  cried the hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a
shot at mine, over there."
%%
During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_ ~{o[po ~y oods
%%
@uEagleson's Law:@n
Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
months, might as well have been written by someone else.
(Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like 3 weeks.)
%%
Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends
%%
/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
%%
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
Black.  Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original
color of the plastic underneath - black.  According to the
instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
-- Steve Rubenstein
%%
@uEhrman's Commentary:@n
(1) Things will get worse before they get better.
(2) Who said things would get better?
%%
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
%%
Electrocution, n.:
Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
%%
Encyclopedia Salesmen:
Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police
and tell them your house is being burgled.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
%%
Error in operator: add beer
%%
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
%%
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.  Our problem is to find this woman
and stop her.
%%
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
%%
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not
spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way
of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it is
humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
-- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
%%
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
ones.
%%
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
%%
Fairy Tale, n.:
A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
%%
Famous last words:
(1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
(2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
(3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
(4) We won't need reservations.
(5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
(6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
(7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
%%
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
        declare foo as pointer to function returning pointer to function
        returning pointer to array 3 of pointer to function returning
        pointer to array 4 of array 2 of pointer to pointer to function
        returning pointer to array 5 of pointer to pointer to char
        char **(*(**(*(*(*(*(*foo)())())[3])())[4][2])())[5]

To turn the above into a cast, remove the name `foo' and add ():

        (char **(*(**(*(*(*(*(*)())())[3])())[4][2])())[5])
%%
> What makes people afraid to hit the space bar?  Is it sloth, or ignorance?

Becausesomepeoplefeelthatitistheirrighttotypeprogramsanywaytheywantand
iftheydonotwanttousespacesthentheCompilershouldunderstandthat.Afterall
iftheprogramdoesnotworkthenitmustbethefaultofpoorlanguagedesign.
%%
The most annoying single creature in programming's Wild Kingdom is the
raging Recompilasaurus.  Bellowing its characteristic mating call - "OH
*THAT* MUST BE IT" - this amazing creature snarls and stomps its way
through the Thrashed Systemian jungles, changing one line and then
recompiling!  changing one line and then recompiling! - leaving the
twisted, still-moving hulks of object and listing files littered across
the forest floor.

When cornered by enraged packs of other programmer species, but especially
by the dreaded Managatherium, its cry changes to the well-known "BUT I
ONLY CHANGED ONE THING!"

Well, I'll stay here at Base Camp and radio our position while Jim and
Bob descend into the valley and put this radio collar on the raging
Recompilasaurus... :-)
%%
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
%%
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
%%
Cigarette, n.:
A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.
%%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Colvard's Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it won't

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.

Grelb's Commentary:
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%%
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
%%
Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso
%%
Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY
UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
%%
Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on.

This person must be fired.
%%
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
%%
Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
%%
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
%%
Death is only a state of mind.

Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
%%
DELETE A FORTUNE!

Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!  Wouldn't you like
to see some of them deleted from the system?  You can!  Just mail to
"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
gets expunged.
[Note that IntuiCookie 4.0 - probably the best fortune cookie program
 in the world - also supports this feature!]
%%
DeVries's Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
%%
Did you know ...

That no-one ever reads these things?
%%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
%%
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%%
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
%%
Do not drink coffee in early a.m.  It will keep you awake until noon.
%%
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
%%
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
%%
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything illegal before."
"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
%%
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon
%%
Finagle's fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
%%
Finagle's Second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
%%
Finagle's Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

Corollaries:
(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
    don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
%%
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
%%
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
-- Robert Firth
%%
FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
%%
Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
%%
Flugg's Law:
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
%%
Fog Lamps, n.:
Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate
that the driver's brain is in a fog.
%%
For perfect happiness, remember two things:
(1) Be content with what you've got.
(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
%%
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):

Don't Write On Walls!

(and underneath)

You want I should type?
%%
fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high - core dumped.
%%
[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
in Japan]:

The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.

And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
%%
From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
experience in sound:

5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading
    sound is normal for this type of connector.
%%
George Orwell was an optimist.
%%
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
(1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
(2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
(3) The energy required to change either one of these states
    will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
    much as to make the task totally impossible.
%%
Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
%%
God is Dead
- Nietzsche

Nietzsche is Dead
- God

Nietzsche is God
- The Dead
%%
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
%%
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
person a car.
%%
@uGold, n.:@n
A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It
is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
although gold hasn't done anything to them.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
@uGoto, n.:@n
A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
to complain about unstructured programmers.
-- Ray Simard
%%
@uHanson's Treatment of Time:@n
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Sunday.
%%
@uHartley's First Law:@n
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
%%
@uHartley's Second Law:@n
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
%%
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
typed with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
of both hands.  It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
%%
Has your family tried 'em?

@bPOWDERMILK BISCUITS@n

Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!

They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
strength to get up and do what needs to be done.

@bPOWDERMILK BISCUITS@n

Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
that indicate freshness.
%%
Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
to defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?

Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This
still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
only serves to blunt the warning signs.

Long live the revolution!
Have a nice day.
%%
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
for play?
%%
@uHeavy, adj.:@n  Seduced by the chocolate side of the force
%%
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
%%
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
%%
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
pain?  This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
important electrical lesson.

It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
attract dirt.  The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
carpet, thus completing the circuit.

Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
finger would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you
have carpeting.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%%
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
%%
Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
Im Leibe dick, an Sünden reich.
Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,
Weil es uns dünkt er sei verreckt.

( Here lies a man with sundry flaws
And numerous Sins upon his head;
We buried him today because
As far as we can tell, he's dead. )

-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty Sue Bach and
written by the local doggerel catcher; "The Definitive Biography of
PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
%%
History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
%%
@uHlade's Law:@n
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
will find an easier way to do it.
%%
@uHoare's Law of Large Problems:@n
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
%%
@uHofstadter's Law:@n
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
%%
Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say
"shop for", as opposed to "obtain".  This is the major drawback of home
centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
trees.  The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
object - every board, washer, nail and screw - in the entire store ...

Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
a replacement.  The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
these sometime around the middle of next week".
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%%
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
%%
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
-- F. M. Hubbard
%%
@uHorngren's Observation:@n
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
%%
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
%%
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
-- Elliot, "E.T."
%%
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."

How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
%%
@uHowe's Law:@n  Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
%%
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
1929.  Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
the confirmatory x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
Nobel Prize.
%%
@uHurewitz's Memory Principle:@b
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to ..... to ........ uh ..............
%%
"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
-- Paul McCracken
%%
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
-- English Professor
%%
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
--English Professor, Ohio University
%%
"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
%%
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
%%
"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
true."
-- Harry Truman
%%
"I can resist anything but temptation."
%%
"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
-- Joe Walsh
%%
"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
-- Florence Henderson
%%
"I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them."
-- Isaac Asimov
%%
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
"I don't have to take this abuse from you - I've got hundreds of
people waiting to abuse me."
-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
%%
"I don't think so," said Rene Descartes.  Just then, he vanished.
%%
"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the other
hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
%%
I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days.  Congress is
thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
broadcast signals to alien beings.  This would be a large mistake.
Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons.  You cannot cut off
their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
-- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!"
%%
I doubt, therefore I might be.
%%
I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.  It was the most *horrifying* 20
minutes of my life!
%%
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
it's going to be up all night."
-- Steven Wright
%%
"I hate quotations."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
that I have never made one."
-- James Gordon Bennett
%%
"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
make it shorter."
-- Blaise Pascal
%%
"I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere."
%%
"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
%%
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
%%
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
%%
"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
%%
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
%%
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright
%%
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
in this country are fed up with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly
not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
-- Monty Python
%%
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
%%
I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
it took seven others to beat him!
%%
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
-- Gallagher
%%
I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
-- Spider Robinson
%%
"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
%%
"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life."
%%
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is
- I could be just as proud for half the money.
-- Arthur Godfrey
%%
"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
-- English Professor, Providence College
%%
@uIdiot Box, n.:@n
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
at about 30 miles/second.
-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
%%
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
-- Roy Santoro
%%
"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
-- Paul White
%%
If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
%%
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
%%
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
%%
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
tellers?
%%
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
%%
... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
green, baggy skin.
%%
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
%%
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
%%
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss bank.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
harder.
-- Pope John Paul I
%%
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
-- Norm Schryer
%%
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
%%
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
yesterday?
%%
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
-- Laurence J. Peter
%%
"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
%%
If you can read this, you're too close.
%%
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
%%
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
either of you for the rest of the day.
%%
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
%%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
-- Earl Wilson
%%
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
%%
@uIgnisecond, n.:@n
The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has
a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
What's the first question that the computer community asks?

"Is it PC compatible?"
%%
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only
we can't control when the five year period will begin.
%%
In the beginning was the word.
But by the time the second word was added to it,
there was trouble.
For with it came syntax ...
-- John Simon
%%
Individualists unite!
%%
@uInformation Center, n.:@n
A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
%%
It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates.  One slow day, he found that he
had time to chat with the new entrants.  To the first one he asked,
"What's your IQ?"  The new arrival replied, "190".  They discussed
Einstein's theory of relativity for hours.  When the second new arrival
came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ.  The answer
this time came "120".  To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
your IQ?".  Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
%%
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
%%
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
self-critical?
-- Alan Perlis
%%
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
much - the wheel, New York wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins
had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But
conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons.

Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
misinterpreted ...
-- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The Galaxy"
%%
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
coming up it.
-- Henry Allen
%%
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-- Rod Serling
%%
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
versa.
%%
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
one.
%%
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%%
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
-- Woody Allen
%%
It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
-- Gore Vidal
%%
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another - it's one
damn thing over and over.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%%
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
regeneration.
-- Dijkstra
%%
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
until the other has gone.
%%
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But
it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
%%
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
good either if you speak when your head is empty.
%%
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
%%
It was one of those perfect summer days - the sun was shining, a
breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
broken ...
-- James Dent
%%
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
two things still safe to eat.
-- Robert Fuoss
%%
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
-- Andrew Jackson
%%
"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
-- Macy's
%%
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
%%
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
-- Phil White
%%
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
the ground.
-- Daniel B. Luten
%%
It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
-- Woody Allen
%%
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
-- Sydney J. Harris
%%
@u@bJACK AND THE BEANSTACK@n
@uby Mark Isaak@n

Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.

So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.

"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.

"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.

"I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."

Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.

"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window ...
%%
@uJenkinson's Law:@n  It won't work.
%%
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called
"Bureaucracy".  Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do
anything loses.
%%
@uJone's Law:@n
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
%%
@uJone's Motto:@n  Friends come and go, but ennemies accumulate.
%%
@uJones's First Law:@n
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
obstruction to its progress - in direct proportion to the
importance of their original contribution.
%%
Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
(and nobody cares about it).
-- Bill Joy 6/21/85
%%
Keep grandma off the streets - legalize bingo.
%%
Keep in mind always the two constant @uLaws of Frisbee:@n
(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
force is technically termed "car suck").

(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than "Watch this!"
%%
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
%%
Kids have @bnever@n taken guidance from their parents.  If you could
travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
grubs and berries like dad primate.  Then you'd see the primate
teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
%%
@uKinkler's Second Law:@n
All the easy problems have been solved.
%%
"Kirk to Enterprise - beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
%%
Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
%%
Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.
-- Henry N. Camp
%%
@uLackland's Laws:@n
(1) Never be first.
(2) Never be last.
(3) Never volunteer for anything
%%
MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED - The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
%%
@uMicro Credo:@n
Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
%%
"Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been
watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
%%
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-- Groucho Marx
%%
@uMitchell's Law of Committees:@n
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.
%%
Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked
him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
last week.  The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
better.
%%
@uMollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:@n
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.
%%
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
%%
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
%%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
%%
@uMosher's Law of Software Engineering:@n
Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
be out of a job.
%%
Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
eyes.  So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away.  Then the male, driven
by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs.  So the
truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
them that it doesn't make any difference.
-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know"
%%
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
-- Frank Zappa
%%
@uMr. Cole's Axiom:@n
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.
%%
"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365.  He [ten-year-old
Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"  An electronic
computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
fun to watch.
-- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
%%
Murphy's Discovery:
Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
everything will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine months
later, you're in trouble!
%%
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
%%
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
Chile.  Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
pictures.  One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
military installation.  In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
Esther and hustle them off to prison.

They can't prove who they are because they've left their
passports in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day
and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
movement..  Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.

The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
they'll be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
if they have any lasts requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call
her daughter in Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
possible, and turns to Murray.

"This is crazy!"  Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
spits in the sergeants face.

"Murray!"  Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
log out again.
%%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
%%
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not
signed.
-- Christopher Morley
%%
@uNaeser's Law:@n
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
%%
Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant
said "My master is out."  Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone
might steal it."
%%
Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
villagers gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time,"
said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the
villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The
remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he
said - and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear - was 'Get out of
my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
%%
Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled
with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to
change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
fly in the window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
have windows.
%%
Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.
%%
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
%%
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
%%
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
%%
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a
law against it by that time.
%%
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
%%
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
%%
"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
%%
New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
-- Monty Python's Big Red Book
%%
New systems generate new problems.
%%
@uNewlan's Truism:@n
An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
%%
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
%%
"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
would.  The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
that much."
-- Augustine
%%
No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
camel - anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
effectively under such difficult conditions.
-- Laurence J. Peter
%%
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
eating one peanut.
-- Channing Pollock
%%
No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
seriously cramp his style.
%%
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
%%
"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
-- Dr. Who
%%
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
%%
@uLarkinson's Law:@n
All laws are basically false.
%%
Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always getting
pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
whatsoever.  They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
Lassie filed the applications for.
-- Dave Barry
%%
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
%%
@uLaw of Communications:@n
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
area of misunderstanding.
%%
@uLaw of Selective Gravity:@n
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

@uJenning's Corollary:@n
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
%%
@uLazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:@n
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
%%
@uLeibowitz's Rule:@n
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
%%
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number.  You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
and another number."
-- James Estes
%%
Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.
%%
@uLieberman's Law:@n
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
%%
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
%%
"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to
eat it nevertheless."
-- Flaubert
%%
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it.
%%
"Life is too important to take seriously."
-- Corky Siegel
%%
"Life may have no meaning - or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove."
%%
Life would be so much easier if we could look at the source code.
%%
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
%%
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
%%
Lobster:
        Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
only proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to
eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
before they're cooked.  The fact is, lobsters are among the most
ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may even take a swipe
at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into the pot.
Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
too.
-- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils into Excuses and
Apologies"
%%
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us
to pay income taxes, too?
-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
%%
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,
BOOGA!"
%%
@uLowery's Law:@n
If it jams - force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
%%
@uLubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:@n
There's always one more bug.
%%
@uMad, adj.:@n
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
@uMain's Law:@n
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
%%
@uMaintainer's Motto:@n
If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
%%
Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.  Therefore, users
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.  It
has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
-- System V.2 administrator's guide
%%
@uMalek's Law:@n
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
%%
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
-- Lily Tomlin
%%
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
-- Wernher von Braun
%%
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%%
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else - unless it
is an enemy.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
@uManual, n.:@n
A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a
given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The
information you need in in the others.
-- Ray Simard
%%
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
entirely different.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%%
@uMcGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:@n
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
%%
Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
%%
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
%%
"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
is from the wrong kind of tree."
--Professor W.
%%
Nothing is faster than the speed of light...

To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
light comes on.
%%
@uO'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:@n
Murphy was an optimist.
%%
@uOffice Automation, n.:@n
The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
you would want to talk with over coffee.
%%
@uOgden's Law:@n
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
%%
Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
        I muck with indices and structs all day
And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
        Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
%%
"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
-- Dr. Joy
%%
Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
%%
@uOliver's Law:@n
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
%%
On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.

"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"

"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
%%
@uOn-line, adj.:@n
The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
%%
@uOnce, adv.:@n  Enough
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
somebody's listening.
-- Franklin P. Jones
%%
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs - but it is amazing
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
-- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%%
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
%%
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
%%
One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
one man would have produced alone.  These two plus two more will
produce half again as many ideas.  These four plus four more begin to
represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
many ...
-- Anthony Chevins
%%
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
%%
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
-- Will Durant
%%
@uOne Page Principle:@n
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
paper cannot be understood.
-- Mark Ardis
%%
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.
%%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%%
Ozman's Laws:
(1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
(2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
(3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
(4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
%%
Pardon this fortune.  Database under reconstruction.
%%
@uParkinson's Fourth Law:@n
The number of people in any working group tends to increase
regardless of the amount of work to be done.
%%
@uPascal Users:@n
To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half
speed.
%%
@uPascal, n.:@n
A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.
%%
@uPeace, n.:@n
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Pedaeration, n.:
The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
%%
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
%%
Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
them.
%%
        Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
into a clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
radio.  But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
plumbing works.
        A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
and toilets.  So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
kill you.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%%
@uPohl's law:@n
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
%%
Police: Good evening, are you the host?
Host:   No.
Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
Host:   About the drugs?
Police: No.
Host:   About the guns, then?  Is somebody complaining about the guns?
Police: No, the noise.
Host:   Oh, the noise.  Well that makes sense because there are no guns
        or drugs here.  (An enormous explosion is heard in the
        background.)  Or fireworks.  Who's complaining about the noise?
        The neighbors?
Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago.  Most of the recent
        complaints have come from Pittsburgh.  Do you think you could
        ask the host to quiet things down?
Host:   No Problem.  (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
        religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
        room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
        lawn, where it smashes into a tree.  Eight guests tumble out
        onto the grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are starting to wind
        down.
%%
Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.
-- Nikita Khrushchev
%%
"Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat"
-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
%%
Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.
%%
@uPreudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:@n
It's on the other side.
%%
@uYoshi's Umbrella Law:@n
When it begins to rain you will consider everyone with an umbrella as a friend.
%%
@uYoshi's 81 Characters Per Line Law:@n
When writing a text, it will always be N+1 words long, where N is the line brea
k
%%
Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
orgasms?  The answer is yes, the have orgasms almost constantly, which
is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know"
%%
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
three friends.  If they're OK, you're it.
%%
Q:  Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:  One per person.
%%
Q:  How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:  Seemed logical - I didn't have any real intelligence.
%%
Q:  How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
A:  Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q:  How long does it take?
A:  It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats they've
    brought with them.

Q:  What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A:  They replace your generator.
%%
Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
    itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
    reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
    maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
%%
Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
%%
Q:  How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
    Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
    the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
    of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
    of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
%%
Q:  How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
    light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
    plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
    prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
    assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
%%
Q:  How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  One and a half.
%%
Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
    with brightly colored machine tools.
%%
Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
    of the way.
%%
Q:  What's a light-year?
A:  One-third less calories than a regular year.
%%
Q:  Why do ducks have flat feet?
A:  To stamp out forest fires.

Q:  Why do elephants have flat feet?
A:  To stamp out flaming ducks.
%%
Q:  Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:  To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
%%
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
%%
Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
%%
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.

(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
%%
@uQuigley's Law:@n
Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
atttempt to use it.
%%
QUOTE OF THE DAY:

       `

%%
Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive.
-- John Sloan
%%
@uSlick's Three Laws of the Universe:@n
(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
(2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
(3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light
objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
%%
@uSnacktrek, n.:@n
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
have materialized.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
hurl it into a dumpster.  Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
array of 8-millimeter video equipment.

... OK!  Got everything?  Well, @btoo bad, sucker@n, because while you
were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
toenail dirt.  This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
format called "Elroy", so @border yours now@n.
-- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics Revolution
%%
@uSodd's Second Law:@n
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
%%
Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
-- Ed Howe
%%
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray."
%%
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.  (Those who have already
paid may disregard this fortune).
%%
Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
on.  And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
communicate.  I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least
he can do is to Shut Up!
-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
%%
@uSpeer's 1st Law of Proofreading:@n
The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
number of times you have looked at it.
%%
Spelling is a lossed art.
%%
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-- Mark Twain
%%
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
%%
Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to
your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
and they'll call you crazy.
-- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
%%
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
%%
Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
for going backwards.
-- Aldous Huxley
%%
"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
-- Foghorn Leghorn
%%
"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
%%
Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
%%
Real computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are
so long they can't afford the disk space.
%%
Real computer scientists don't program in assembler.  They don't write
in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
%%
Real computer scientists don't write code.  They occasionally tinker
with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they
hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for
applications.)
%%
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
on future hardware.  Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
%%
Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured
programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
trained.  They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
clear desks.
%%
Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
%%
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the
illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
much good it did them.
%%
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
%%
Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write
in BASIC after reaching puberty.
%%
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
job is described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like
using an undocumented external procedure.
%%
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
down the system for days.
%%
Real Users hate Real Programmers.
%%
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
program doesn't deliver it.
%%
Real Users never use the Help key.
%%
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
%%
Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
%%
Remember, drive defensively!  And of course, the best defense is a good
offense!
%%
Reporter: Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
Gandhi:         I think it would be a good idea.
%%
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.
%%
Review Questions

(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
    and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
    he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the
    Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?

(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
    twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
    every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off
    his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week?

(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
    the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
    pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
    Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?
%%
@uRudin's Law:@n
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time.
%%
@uRules:@n
(1)  The boss is always right.
(2)  When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
%%
@u@bSafety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence@n
@uTip #1: How to tell when you are dead.@n

(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants.
(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
(6) People ignore you at parties.
(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
%%
@uSafety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence@n
@b(1)@n  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
bomb; use the stairs.
@b(2)@n  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
the ground.
@b(3)@n  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
@b(4)@n  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
psychological problems.
@b(5)@n  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to
recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
@b(6)@n  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
@b(7)@n  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
@b(8)@n  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
staggering illegally.
@b(9)@n  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
sanitary due to limited circulation.
@b(10)@n  Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day.
%%
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
        He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
        Must be a pacifist.

What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
-- Arlo Guthrie
%%
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
%%
Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
is not necessarily science.
-- Henri Poincaire
%%
@uScott's first Law:@n
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
%%
Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
will pick the wrong one.

Corollary:
If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
wrong, anyway.
%%
@uSeleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:@n
Ice Cream cures all ills.
%%
@uShaw's Principle:@n
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
%%
@uSilverman's Law:@n
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
%%
@uSimon's Law:@n
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
%%
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
choose from.
-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
%%
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any
use to oneself.
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
The optimum committee has no members.
-- Norman Augustine
%%
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant.  This
also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
%%
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of
your action.
%%
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
%%
@bThe Roman Rule:@n
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
one who is doing it.
%%
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-- Noelie Alito
%%
@uThe Third Law of Photography:@n
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
the dark leaks out.
%%
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
%%
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
%%
"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity."
%%
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
%%
The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
%%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
%%
@uThe Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:@n
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
one, and convert to the next higher units.
%%
The camel has a single hump;
The dromedary two;
Or else the other way around.
I'm never sure.  Are you?
-- Ogden Nash
%%
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
%%
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
%%
The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
add ten percent.
%%
@uThe Fifth Rule:@n
You have taken yourself too seriously.
%%
The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
The second, a trick.
Later, it's a well-established technique!
-- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
%%
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
chance.
%%
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.  The goal of nature
is to build better mice.
%%
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
%%
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
protein - it rejects it.
-- P. Medawar
%%
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
-- Mark Twain
%%
        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-

This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is
best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the
language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very
similar to COBOL.
%%
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
train.
%%
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
much sleep.
-- Woody Allen
%%
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once.
%%
To be is to do.
- I. Kant

To do is to be.
- A. Sartre

Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
- F. Flinstone
%%
"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
%%
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
-- Woody Allen
%%
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
%%
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
%%
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
%%
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
-- Charles Schulz
%%
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
%%
Trying to establish voice contact ... please yell into keyboard.
%%
@uTurnaucka's Law:@n
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
%%
@uTussman's Law:@n
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
%%
"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."

(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
-- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
%%
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
%%
@uUniverse, n.:@n  The problem.
                -- Andy Tannenbaum
%%
        If it happens, it must be possible.
%%
Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec inputdir
%%
@uUser n.:@n
        A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
%%
Veni, Vidi, Visa.
%%
Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
Orac: "It is unlikely.  I would predict there are far greater mistakes
waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
%%
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
%%
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%%
Vote anarchist
%%
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
%%
War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.
%%
@uWARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:@n

Firings will continue until morale improves.
%%
@uWARNING:@n
Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of
hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of
your favorite war.
%%
Wasting time is an important part of living.
%%
@uWatson's Law:@n
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
number and significance of any persons watching it.
%%
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which
divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
correct.  My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
-- Niels Bohr
%%
We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.
%%
We can predict everything, except the future.
%%
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
hardware, but we can @bsee@n the blinking lights!
%%
"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
our grave singing Haleleuia ..."
-- Monty Python
%%
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
-- Walt Kelly
%%
@uWeiler's Law:@n
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
%%
"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
plants and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
and when the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again,
don't we all?"
%%
"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
them parched for wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you
stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
intelligence."
                -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
%%
There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces - the third I
can't remember.
-- Italo Svevo
%%
There are three ways to get something done:
(1) Do it yourself.
(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
%%
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-- Woody Allen
%%
"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
deficiencies."
-- C. A. R. Hoare
%%
There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one
works.
%%
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives.
%%
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
%%
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
%%
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.
-- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
vacuum."
--Arthur C. Clarke
%%
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society Convention, 1977
%%
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
-- G. B. Shaw
%%
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
started debating who should be allowed to stay.

The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley
said, "Look!  We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair
thing to do is to vote on it."  So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
votes.
%%
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
-- Will Rodgers
%%
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer
crashes.
%%
This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
%%
This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
please use the program "randchar".  This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.
%%
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
"deregulated" the airline industry.  What this means for you, the
consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
rules whatsoever.  They can show snuff movies.  They can charge for
oxygen.  They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
Person School.  They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
over water.  They can ram competing planes in mid-air.  These
innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
amazingly low fares, such as $29.  Of course, certain restrictions do
apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
-- Dave Barry, "Iowa - Land of Secure Vacations"
%%
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM

If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue
without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are
contributors.  That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We
can't go on like this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money
for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.  Mail your fortunes right now to
"fortune".  Just type in your favorite pithy saying.  Do it now before
you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you contribute
30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or
more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
%%
This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go.
%%
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
%%
This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of
the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many
solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
paper that were unhappy.
-- Douglas Adams
%%
This sentence contradicts itself - no actually it doesn't.
-- Hofstadter
%%
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
%%
@uWeinberg's Principle:@n
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
%%
@uWeinberg's Second Law:@n
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the
first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
%%
@uWeiner's Law of Libraries:@n
There are no answers, only cross references.
%%
"What are you doing?"

"Examining the world's major religions.  I'm looking for something
that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
initiation period."
%%
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
%%
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's
worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
%%
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
%%
What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
remains 7 a.m.  This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%%
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
-- Steven Wright
%%
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him - that's where the
money is.
-- Robespierre
%%
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
thing," it's the money.
-- Kim Hubbard
%%
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
-- Vine Deloria, Jr.
%%
When in doubt, use brute force.
-- Ken Thompson
%%
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
-- The Wall Street Journal
%%
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
-- Mark Twain
%%
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.
%%
While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
correctness never does.
%%
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
automation?
%%
Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
%%
@uWilliam Safire's Rules for Writers:@n

Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never
be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to
agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words
out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must
not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as
close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should
be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows
the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
viable alternatives.
%%
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
%%
@uWombat's Laws of Computer Selection:@n
(1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
(2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
(3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
(4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
    VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
(5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
-- Rich Kulawiec
%%
@uWorst Month of the Year:@n
February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
-- Steve Rubenstein
%%
@uWorst Response To A Crisis, 1985:@n
From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from
exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
%%
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
%%
@uYear, n.:@n
A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
-- Snoopy
%%
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
%%
You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
can with just a kind word.
-- Bumper Sticker
%%
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
%%
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
%%
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
supercomputers.
-- Steven Feiner
%%
"You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?"
-- Steven Wright
%%
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
don't."
-- Dagwood Bumstead
%%
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
-- J. D. Salinger
%%
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
%%
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
%%
You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens
anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
you can always change the channel.
-- Jim Ignatowski
%%
You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
%%
You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
%%
You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
%%
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
%%
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
%%
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You're not paid enough to worry.
%%
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you
from enjoying it.
%%
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
%%
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
%%
@uZero Defects, n.:@n
The result of shutting down a production line.
%%
The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of
the Force.
-- Darth Vader
%%
When I left you, I was but the pupil.  Now, I am the master.
-- Darth Vader
%%
Single tasking: Just Say No.
%%
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
%%
The world is coming to an end - save your buffers!
%%
It is your destiny.
-- Darth Vader
%%
How many NASA managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"That's a known problem... don't worry about it."
%%
To be is to program.
%%
To program is to be.
%%
I program, therefore I am.
%%
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright
%%
I was playing poker the other night...  with Tarot cards.  I got a full
house and 4 people died.
-- Steven Wright
%%
My computer can beat up your computer.
-- karl
%%
Kill Ugly Radio
-- Frank Zappa
%%
"Just Say No."   - Nancy Reagan

"No."            - Ronald Reagan
%%
@uFelson's Law:@n
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
%%
"I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit.  It's the only way to be sure."
-- Corporal Hicks, in "Aliens"
%%
Adapt.  Enjoy.  Survive.
%%
@uTo date, the firm conclusions of Project Blue Book are:@n
1. no unidentified flying object reported, investigated and evaluated by the
   Air Force has ever given any indication of threat to our national security.
2. there has been no evidence submitted to or discovered by the Air Force that
   sightings categorized as UNIDENTIFIED represent technological developments
   or principles beyond the range of present-day scientific knowledge; and
3. there has been no evidence indicating that sightings categorized as
   UNIDENTIFIED are extraterrestrial vehicles.
-- the summary of Project Blue Book, an Air Force study of UFOs from 1950
  to 1965, as quoted by James Randi in Flim-Flam!
%%
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss Bank.
-- Woody Allen
%%
How long does it take a DEC field service engineer to change a lightbulb?

It depends on how many bad ones he brought with him.
%%
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant
Church, nor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is my own Church.
-- Thomas Paine
%%
We're here to give you a computer, not a religion.
-- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga
%%
Being schizophrenic is better than living alone.
%%
"Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper .... everyone was
eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is
bend a disk."
-- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement
%%
"There is no statute of limitations on stupidity."
-- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3.
%%
Weekends were made for programming.
-- Karl
%%
Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong.
- Oscar Wilde
%%
Shit Happens.
%%
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent.
-- George Orwell
%%
@uParkinson's Law:@n  Work expands to fill the time alloted it.
@uKarl's version of Parkinson's Law:@n  Work expands to exceed the time alloted
to it.
%%
No part of this fortune may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, ...
%%
Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
%%
Nothing is fool proof, because fools are so damn ingenious.
%%
@uO'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:@n  cleanliness is next to impossible.
%%
Old men give good advice when they are no longer able to provide bad examples.
%%
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
%%
@uOliver's Law of Location:@n  No matter where you go, there you are.
%%
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
%%
One day you will find yourself and be quite disappointed.
%%
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
%%
Only fools are quoted.
%%
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
%%
PANIC: out of beer
%%
@uPatrick's theorem:@n
If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment
%%
Pause for storage relocation.
%%
Peace: a period of cheating between two wars.
%%
People get lost in thought because it is unfamiliar territory...
%%
People who abstain from smoking, drinking, and having sex do not necessarily
live longer...  It just seems longer.
%%
Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open...
-- E.G. Leterman
%%
Polymorphing your dog probably makes you safer.
%%
Poor is the pupil who does not surpass his master... -- Leonardo da Vinci
%%
Pull yourself together; things are not all that bad.
%%
Put your genius into your life.  Put only your talent into your work.
%%
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
%%
Quit looking at fortunes and get back to work|
%%
Real Programmers don't comment their code, If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
%%
Real Programmers don't read the "Wall Street Journal"; they read dumps.
%%
Real Programmers don't use schedules.  Schedules are for manager's toadies.
Real Programmers like to keep their managers in suspense.
%%
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in
BASIC, after the age of 12.
%%
Real programmers never deliver programs on schedule.  Either the program is
"done" in two days or it is never finished.  In any case, it is never
delivered when it was scheduled.
%%
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any Real Programmers are around at 9
AM, it's because they were up all night.
%%
Real programmers recently discovered that popcorn was being sold in the
vending machines.  Coders discovered that it could be popped in the
microwave oven in the vending machine room.  Real Programmers use the heat
escaping from the top of the CPU.
%%
Real Programmers think structured programming is a Communist plot.
%%
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time, But if you throw
them on the machine, they can be patched into working in "only a few"
30-hour debugging sessions.
%%
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
%%
Research is to see what everyone else has, and then think what no one else has.
%%
Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed.
%%
@uRule of Feline Frustration:@n
When your cat has fallen asleep an your lap and looks utterly content and
adorable, you will suddenly have the urge to go to the bathroom.
%%
Rumor: The main ingredient in tooth-paste is sugar.
%%
Save gas, don't eat beans.
%%
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
%%
@uSecond Law of Hacking:@n  first in, first out.
%%
@uSilver's law:@n   If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
%%
@uSkinners constant@n
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided into, added to, or subtracted
from the answer you got, gives the answer you should have obtained.
%%
Smile, tomorrow will be worse.
%%
So you're back.
%%
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
%%
Someone is speaking well of you.  How unusual!
%%
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
%%
Sometimes "mu" is the answer.
%%
Sometimes the only way out of a difficulty is through it.
%%
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
%%
Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts - for support, not illumination.
%%
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
%%
Strong typing is for people with weak memories.
%%
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
%%
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.
%%
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
-- Einstein
%%
I used to be disgusted, now, I'm just amused.
%%
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
%%
The chance of meeting the right person increases exponentially by how long
its been since you've had a bath.
%%
The chance of somebody important visiting your apartment is directly
proportional to how messy it is.
%%
The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
%%
The FORCE is looking for a few good people.
%%
@uThe Futility Factor (FF):@n
No experiment is ever a complete failure...
It can always serve as a bad example.
%%
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
%%
The key to this game is that there are no keys.
%%
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
%%
The most harmful error has not yet been discovered in your program.
%%
The road to to sucess is always under construction...  -- Florian Bruckner
%%
The Romans would never have had time to conquer the world if they had be
obliged to first learn Latin.
%%
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
%%
The worst form of failure is the failure to try.
%%
There are better information sources than fortune cookies.
%%
There are fortunes that mention the word 'umbrella' for no apparent reason.
%%
There is always an easier way to do it.
%%
There is always one more bug.
%%
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
%%
There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.
%%
There is an exception to all laws.
%%
There is no devil; it's God when he's drunk.
%%
They say that you need a key in order to open locked doors.
%%
Things are not always what they seem.
%%
Things will be brighter tonight.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
%%
Things won't get any better, so get used to it.
%%
This fortune will self destruct in 5 years.
%%
This terminal will self destruct in 10 seconds.
%%
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
%%
To err is human, to forgive is out of the question.
%%
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer...
%%
Trying to establish voice contact - please yell into keyboard.
%%
UFOs are for real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist.
%%
Ulch, that meat was painted.
%%
Under every stone lurks a politician.
%%
Undetectable errors are infinite; detectable errors by definition are finite.
%%
Vote Anarchist.
%%
Warning: end of file 'fortunes' reached.
%%
Wasting time is an important part of life.
%%
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
%%
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
%%
We get into the habit of living before acquiring the habit of thinking...
-- Albert Camus
%%
Welcome to the Future|  It's just starting now ...
%%
When all else fails, read the instructions.
%%
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
%%
When things are going well, something will go wrong.
%%
When you finally discover all of Life's answers, they'll change the questions.
%%
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
%%
Can you remember your first fortune cookie?
%%
Do you still remember your last cookie?
%%
Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should
always save some of it for tomorrow...
-- Don Herold
%%
You always find something in the last place you look, unless it's not there.
%%
You are an insult to my intelligence!  I demand that you log off immediately.
%%
You can be replaced by this computer.
%%
You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't even get out of the game.
%%
The only truly multitasking thing in Windoze '95 is the debit-from-VISA-card()
routine while browsing through the Microsaft NetWork.
-- Yoshi
%%
What, you call @bthis@n a computer?  I suppose you only use this @bdinosaur@n
because your new Amiga 5000T/060 hasn't arrived yet.
%%
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you're going to learn
a lot today.
%%
You may now log in to life.  Password:
%%
@bI@n@i think@n@u that @n@b@iusing@n@b@utoo @n many@i formatting@n@u@i characters@n is@u@b silly!@n
%%
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
%%
You will soon forget this.
%%
Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.
%%
Your most useful program will be continually improved until it is useless.
%%
Your mouth works faster than your brain.  You say
things you haven't even thought of yet.
%%
2B || !2B, that is the question.
%%
22nd century T-shirt: Disco STILL sucks.
%%
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
%%
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
%%
I think I exist; therefore, I may be.
%%
If you think ... stop it.
%%
Counting in Octal is just like counting in decimal if you do not use your
thumbs.
%%
If at first you dont succeed ... forget it!
%%
"So when I die, the first thing I will see in Heaven is a score list?"
%%
A clove of garlic a day keeps your best friends away.
%%
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
%%
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
%%
A rumour has it that rumours are just rumours.
%%
A shortcut is the longest path between two points.
%%
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
%%
All laws are basically false.
%%
@uAllen's Axiom:@n  when all else fails, read the instructions.
%%
An expert is someone who knows no more than you do,
but who has it better organized and uses slides.
%%
Tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
%%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
%%
Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.
%%
Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
%%
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
%%
Be alert, the world needs more lerts.
%%
Be careful, the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease.
%%
Better late than never.
%%
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
%%
Brain - the apparatus with which we think that we think.
%%
I cannot be fired.  Slaves have to be sold.
%%
One soviet invasion can ruin your whole day.
%%
Celibacy is hereditary.
%%
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
%%
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
%%
Congratulations|  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
%%
Congratulations|  You got the first fortune|
%%
Congratulations|  You have now used up another 250 hours of CPU time.
%%
Consider your reputation.  Try changing your name and moving to a new town.
%%
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
%%
Do you want to visit hell? Dig a @bvery@n deep hole.
%%
Does anyone ever read these things?
%%
Don't use no double negatives.
%%
Education has produced a vast population able to read but unable to
distinquish what is worth reading...
-- G. M. Trevelyan
%%
Elephant to naked man:  How do you manage to breathe
through that thing, let alone pick up peanuts?
%%
Experience ables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
%%
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
%%
Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail in the same way.
%%
@uFirst Law of Hacking:@n  leaving is much more difficult than entering.
%%
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
%%
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
%%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
%%
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
-- Woody Allen
%%
@uOccident, n.:@n
The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.  It
is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These,
also, are the principal industries of the Orient.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
%%
One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of
nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
passengers!  Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
be spared," and he jumped out of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As
leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if you are
following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The
Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
productive life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's
hands."  "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
%%
Q:  How do you play religious roulette?
A:  You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
    by lightning first.
%%
Q:  How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
    or an airline stewardess?
A:  A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."  A schoolteacher says:
    "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
    right."  An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
    mouth and nose, and breath normally."
%%
"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
-- Dave Barry
%%
The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
on a buying trip.  As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
acquaintance with a beautiful young lady.  However, she only spoke
French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
the other spoke.  He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
picture of a taxi.  She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
ride in the park.  Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.  After
dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They went to
several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening.  It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
drew a picture of a four-poster bed.  He was dumbfounded, and has never
be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
%%
The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
in front every time you want to kiss her.
%%
The United States Army;
194 years of proud service,
unhampered by progress.
%%
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
%%
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.

"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
room, and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
%%
@uAchilles' Biological Findings:@n
(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If he
looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

(2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the rooster.
%%
@uG's Third Law:@n
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.

@uH's Dictum:@n
There is no magic ...
%%
Do something big - fuck a giant
%%
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else?" answered the patient.
%%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
he also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?  Because George still had the axe in his hand.
%%
God is an atheist.
%%
GOD is applied POWER
which is applied GOVERNMENT
which is applied POLITICS
which is applied ADVERTISING
which is applied SOCIOLOGY
which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
which is applied BIOLOGY
which is applied CHEMISTRY
which is applied PHYSICS
which is applied MATH
which is applied PHILOSOPHY
which is applied BULLSHIT
%%
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was there 2000 years
ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."
%%
I am an atheist, thank God!
%%
I came; I saw; I fucked up
%%
I wouldn't mind dying - it's that business of
having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
-- R. Geis
%%
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of all religions.
%%
A liberal is someone too poor to be conservative,
and too rich to be a communist.
%%
A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line
from an unwarranted assumption to a forgone conclusion.
%%
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will
protect the fuse by blowing first.
%%
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
%%
Acting on a good idea is better than just having a good idea.
%%
All animals are created equal, but some animals
are created more equal than others.
%%
All in all, you're just another brick in the wall....
%%
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious
things against him, but we never hear his side!
%%
Big Brother is Watching @bYou@n!
-- George Orwell
%%
Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence.
%%
Everything is worth what its purchaser will pay for it.
%%
Government isn't the solution, it's the problem.
-- Ronald Reagan
%%
@uIdiot Box:@n
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place
the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
%%
It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
%%
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
%%
If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try someone else.
%%
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it's opinion.
%%
If you can't win, make the one in front of you break the record.
%%
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
%%
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
%%
If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't
actually live longer, it just seems that way.
%%
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
%%
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid,
than to open it and remove all doubt.
%%
@uMurphy's Law:@n  If anything can go wrong, it will.
%%
Nothing happens to you that hasn't happened to someone else.
%%
Negative expectations yield negative results,
Positive expectations yield negative results.
%%
Ninety percent of everything is bullshit.
%%
People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan.
%%
Possessions increase to fill available space.
%%
Pray for the success of atheism.
%%
Say no, then negotiate.
%%
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
%%
Sometimes you just gotta say "What the fuck!"
%%
Test makers do it sometimes/always/never.
%%
The more advanced the civilization, the less powerful the individual.
%%
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
%%
The pessimist complains about the wind, the optimist expects
it to change, the realist adjusts the sails.
%%
The probability of being watched is proportional
to the stupidity of your actions.
%%
The probability of failure is directly proportional
to the anxiety of the programmer.
%%
The real world is a special case.
%%
There are no winners in life, only survivors.
%%
There are two reasons for doing things, a very good reason and the real reason.
%%
There is more to fear from an army of 100 sheep led by a lion,
than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep.
%%
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
%%
There is no point in being proud of something you have no control over.
%%
There's three sides to every story, yours, mine and the cold hard truth.
%%
They never remember when I'm right and never forget when I'm wrong.
%%
To think is easy and to act is hard, but the hardest thing in the
world is to act in accordance with your thinking.
%%
Today is the day you worried about yesterday.
%%
Two farmers, each claimed to own a certain cow.  While one pulled on
it's head and the other on the tail, the cow was milked by a lawyer.
%%
When in doubt, don't bother.
%%
We have met the enemy and he is us.
%%
When all else fails, lower your standards.
%%
When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.
%%
When people are free to do as they choose, they usually imitate each other.
%%
Why do divorces cost so much? - Because they're worth it!
%%
You can close your eyes to reality, but not to memories.
%%
"I like a man who grins when he fights."
%%
Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
rate as computers and over the same period:  how much cheaper and more efficient
would the current models be?  If you have not already heard the analogy, the
answer is shattering.  Today you would be able to buy a Rolls-Royce for $2.75,
it would do three million miles to the gallon, and it would deliver enough
power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II.  And if you were interested in
miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on a pinhead.
-- Christopher Evans
%%
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

Seven:  One to install the new bulb, and six to determine what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
%%
Everyone has a purpose in life.  Perhaps yours is watching television.
-- David Letterman
%%
"There is nothing new under the sun, but there
are lots of old things we don't know yet."
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
"If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been neccessary to invent it."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
In space, no one can hear you fart.
%%
"It is better to have tried and failed than to
have failed to try, but the result's the same."
-- Mike Dennison
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.
%%
The first sign of maturity is the discovery
that the volume knob also turns to the left.
%%
Why are many scientists using lawyers for medical experiments instead of rats?

a)  There are more lawyers than rats.
b)  The scientist's don't become as emotionally attached to them.
c)  There are some things that even rats won't do for rats.
%%
There are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it  2) The rest of us
%%
"Trust me.  I know what I'm doing."
-- Sledge Hammer
%%
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid"
-- the artificial person, from Aliens
%%
@uWhat to do in case of an alien attack:@n
1) Hide beneath the seat of your plane and look away.
2) Avoid eye contact.
3) If there are no eyes, avoid all contact.
-- The Firesign Theatre, Everything you know is Wrong
%%
"Today's robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few
 simple instructions such as 'go left', 'go right', and 'build car'."
-- John Sladek
%%
"The Amiga is the only personal computer where you can run a multitasking
operating system and get realtime performance, out of the box."
-- Peter da Silva
%%
"I knew then (in 1970) that a 4-kbyte minicomputer would cost as much as
a house.  So I reasoned that after college, I'd have to live cheaply in
an apartment and put all my money into owning a computer."
-- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45
%%
HP had a unique policy of allowing its engineers to take parts from stock as
long as they built something.  "They figured that with every design, they were
getting a better engineer.  It's a policy I urge all companies to adopt."
-- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak,
"Will Wozniak's class give Apple to teacher?", EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45
%%
"What if" is a trademark of Hewlett Packard, so stop using it in your
sentences without permission, or risk being sued.
%%
"We came.  We saw.  We kicked its ass."
-- Bill Murray, Ghostbusters
%%
"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching
and not make the simple next step of supporting multitasking."
-- George McFry
%%
"Little else matters than to write good code."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy."
-- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitir
%%
"An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code."
-- an anonymous programmer
%%
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
-- Albert Einstein
%%
"Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it."
-- Mark Twain
%%
I'm sick of reading these cookies...  Especially
when they are as useless as this one...
-- Yoshi
%%
"Life sucks, but it's better than the alternative."
-- Peter da Silva
%%
It's time to get a new cookie file when you have some kind of
deja-vu when reading this cookie.  Alternatively, get a program
with a better random number generator.
-- Yoshi
%%
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's see, can you use a shell script for that or does it need a C program?
%%
"The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more expected."
-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972
%%
Brain off-line, please wait.
%%
"Censorship rules!"

What the XXXX is that XXXXXXXXX XXXXXX talking about?
-- Yoshi
%%
The probability of a disk crash is directly
proportional to the age of your last backup.
-- Yoshi
%%
The probability of your word processor crashing is
directly proportional to the amount of unsaved text.
-- Yoshi
%%
"...one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs."
-- Robert Firth
%%
"The Street finds its own uses for technology."
-- William Gibson
%%
It's time to boot, do your boot ROMs know where your disk controllers are?
%%
"Don't think; let the machine do it for you!"
-- E. C. Berkeley
%%
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
"We scientists, whose tragic destiny it has been to make the methods of
annihilation ever more gruesome and more effective, must consider it our solemn
and transcendent duty to do all in our power in preventing these weapons from
being used for the brutal purpose for which they were invented."
-- Albert Einstein, Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, September 1948
%%
A language that doesn't have everything is actually
easier to program in than some that do.
-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%%
"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
information in the first place."
-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
%%
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some
of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
-- Tenessee Williams
%%
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
%%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Albert Einstein
%%
@uBarometer, n.:@n
An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"Nichts ist unmöglich.  Höchstens unwahrscheinlich.  Aber niemals unmöglich."
-- Luigi Mario zu Mario Mario, Super Mario Bros. (Der Film)
%%
Es gibt keine perfekten Menschen, nur perfekte Absichten.
-- Kevin Costner in Robin Hood
%%
Every generation got its own disease.
I've got mine, babe.
-- Fury in the Slaugtherhouse
%%
Ein Mann verlangt in einem Restaurant eine Serviette.
Der Kelner bringt ihm daraufhin eine Rolle Klopapier.

"Wieso bringen Sie mir eine Rolle Klopapier?" fragt der Mann.

Daraufhin der Kelner:
"Für die einen ist es eine Rolle Klopapier,
für die anderen ... die längste Serviette der Welt!"

-- (Aus'm PENTHOUSE, 4/93).........>>Harvey<<
%%
There's nothing better than being cool and having a lot of friends...
Except being uncool and having one real friend.
-- Doogie Howser
%%
"Experience is directly proportional to the value of equipment destroyed."
-- Carolyn Scheppner
%%
"Do you sometimes have a kind of Deja Vu ?"
"No, but I could ask for it in the kitchen."
-- from the movie "Groundhog Day"
%%
The truth is our most valuable commodity.
It would probably be a way better world if people didn't use it
so economically.
-- Personal Journal of Doogie Howser, M.D. (Doogie Howser)
%%
[e-mail] (Marc N. Barrett) writes:
>
[meaningless ASCII noise deleted...]

>   Give me AGA, and I'll want death.

Quick, someone send Marc an A1200.  I am sure we could take up a collection
to pay for it without even trying :-)

-- Michael Sinz - [e-mail]  - Recovering Commodore Engineer
Director of Development - SCALA Inc. USA.    - No Clone Zone - Amiga Required
%%
NEVER EVER mess with a PCB jumper you don't understand, even if it's
labelled "SEX AND FREE BEER".

-- Dave Haynie in <[e-mail]>
%%
"It's only cheating, if you get caught".
-- Al Bundy, Married with Children
%%
Falls wir heute noch was vermasseln können, sagt mir Bescheid.
-- James T. Kirk, Star Trek VI - The Undiscovered Country (The Future)
%%
If you want to get something DONE, stay out of universities.
-- John Hammond in Jurassic Park (The Book), page 125
%%
This week I butted heads with a very stubborn, closed-minded person.
I'm just glad I had the sense to realize it was me.
-- Personal Journal of Doogie Howser, M.D. (Doogie Howser)
%%
Und noch nie hat ein X irgendwo irgendwann einen bedeutenden Punkt markiert.
-- Indiana 'Indy' Jones, The Last Crusade
%%
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still dont know what I want to be when I grow up.
-- Peter Drucker
%%
Q: Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
A: He had no guts!
%%
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: Life is a fatal, sexually transmitted disease.
%%
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
%%
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A:His lips are moving.
%%
Q: What is the difference between a deag dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
%%
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
%%
The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach,
occasional cramps and an irresistable urge to fuck in the mud.
%%
A black boy says to his mother:
"Mom, why do I have the biggest penis in the 2nd grade? Is it because
I'm black?"
She says:
"No. It's because you're seventeen."
%%
@uThe three stages of man:@n
Tri-weekly
Try-weekly
Try-weakly.
%%
Q: What do you call a LADA with a turbo?
A: A Skoda.
%%
Q: What is brown and taps on the window?
A: A baby in a microwave.
%%
A sailor walks into a bar with a wooden leg, hook hand and an eye patch
over his eye. He and the barman starts to talk:
Barman: "What happened to you?"
Sailor: "Well, a whale bit off my leg, I was in a sword fight and lost my
        hand, and then a bird sh*t in my eyes."
Barman: "You don't lose your eye even if a bird sh*ts in it!"
Sailor: "It's easy when you have had the hook for only one week!!!"
%%
Q: What's six foot long, grey and floats in the ocean?
A: Moby's dick.
%%
There was this man in a restaurant who had ordered some soup. But the
waiter kept him waiting (what else does a waiter do). The guy sitting
next to him *did* have a dish with soup in front of him on the table, but
he wasn't eating it. So our man takes this dish with soup and starts
eating. When he's almost finished he noticed a dirty hairy comb on the
bottom of the dish, so he pukes all the soup back into the dish.
Says the guy next to him: "That's just as far as I got."
%%
Mary and Joseph at the door to the inn:
"Do you have a room for the night?"
Innkeeper: "You've got to be joking - it's Christmas!"
%%
Children at the front seat cause accidents,
accidents at the back seat cause children!
%%
These two strings walk into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "So
what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quaqg fulk boorg jdk^Cjf
dLkjk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says. "He isn't null-
terminated."
%%
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
either.
-- Murphy's laws on sex
%%
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused
the trouble in the garden.
-- Murphy's laws on sex
%%
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
-- Murphy's laws on sex
%%
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
-- Ambrose Bierce: "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
If you don't have something good to say about someone.........
let's hear it.
%%
Behind every big man .....
is a big behind
%%
And the lion will lie down with the sheep.....
but the sheep won't get very much sleep
%%
No man is an island........
except for Raymond Burr
%%
Bug: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when
people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
%%
Documentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for
English speaking persons.
%%
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
%%
Information Center: A room staffed by professional computer people whose
job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
%%
Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.
%%
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word
itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words -
"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's
why so is mankind.
%%
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff,
then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What
was THAT?!"
%%
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a
good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
%%
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I guess it
goes back to the time we went to the circus and a clown killed my Dad.
%%
As I bit into the sweet, tangy nectarine, and tasted the juices running
down my chin, I looked down, and realized that it wasn't a nectarine at
all, but a HUMAN HEAD!
%%
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working
20 years make.
%%
A joke is like watching a woman get out of a car -
sometimes you see it and sometimes you don't.
-- Max Miller
%%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.
I believe everything positively stinks.
-- Lew Col
%%
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
-- Herbert Hoover
%%
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
%%
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
%%
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
%%
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby"
has never tried taking candy from a baby.
-- Robin Hood
%%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means
the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
%%
Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something.
%%
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than
when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.
-- Marshall Lumsden
%%
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
%%
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward
from the floor - especially in the dark.
%%
Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned
to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%%
By working faithfully eight hours a day,
you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
-- Robert Frost
%%
Byte your tongue.
%%
Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
%%
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
%%
@uChisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:@n
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
%%
@uCox's Philosophy:@n
Life's a bitch, then you die.
%%
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
%%
@uDucharm's Axiom:@n
If you view your problem closely enough you will
recognize yourself as part of the problem.
%%
Enjoy every minute. There's plenty of time to be dead.
%%
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at...uh, when
the little hand is on the....
%%
@uFinagle's fourth Law:@n
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
%%
@uFinagle's second Law:@n
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to
(a) misinterpret it
(b) fake it
(c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
%%
For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used
for thirty years. This gives me great hope for the human race.
-- Harlan Ellison
%%
@uFourth Law of Applied Terror:@n
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

@uCorollary:@n
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
except study for that instructor's course.
%%
@uGray's Law of Programming:@n
'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
time as 'n' tasks.

@uLogg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:@n
'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
%%
@uGrinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:@n
At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
%%
@uHurewitz's Memory Principle:@n
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to.....to........uh..............
%%
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
%%
If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input,
an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
%%
If the odds are a million to one against something
occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
%%
If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
-- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
%%
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine,
is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
%%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
-- Earl Wilson
%%
@uImbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:@n
In order for something to become clean, something else must
become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
anything clean.
%%
Is there a Life before Death?
%%
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
-- Alan Perlis
%%
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
%%
May the Source be with you...  always.
%%
Measure twice because you can only cut once.
%%
Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Lada.
%%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
%%
No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
%%
"Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot."
-- Dr. Who
%%
People who have no faults are terrible;
there is no way of taking advantage of them.
%%
Press any key to start formatting the hard disk.
%%
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.
%%
Q: What's the last thing that goes through
a grasshopper's mind when he hits your windshield?
A: His ass.
%%
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll
probably get another chance later on.
%%
Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
%%
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
-- Arlo Guthrie
%%
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
was built.  Finally the big day was at hand.  All the computers were
linked together.  They asked the question, "Is there a God?".  Lights
started blinking, flashing and blinking some more.  Suddenly, there
was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
together."There is now", came the reply.
%%
Since we have to speak well of the dead,
let's knock them while they're alive.
-- John Sloan
%%
@uSkinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):@n
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
should have gotten.
%%
So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
-- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
%%
Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
-- Risky Business
%%
@uSpeer's 1st Law of Proofreading:@n
The visibility of an error is inversely proportional
to the number of times you have looked at it.
%%
Success is like a fart - only your own smells nice.
-- James P. Hogan
%%
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind
when he has a hole in his head.
%%
Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
and they'll call you crazy.
-- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
%%
Talkers are no good doers.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%%
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when
he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
%%
Technological progress has merely provided us with
more efficient means for going backwards.
-- Aldous Huxley
%%
The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
-- Letter in New Libertarian Notes #19
%%
The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
"I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
still in."
%%
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
%%
The easiest way to figure the cost of living is
to take your income and add ten percent.
%%
The economy depends about as much on economists as
the weather does on weather forecasters.
-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
%%
The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday,
with symposium to follow.
%%
The first rule of magic is simple.  Don't waste your time waving
your hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
-- McCloctnik the Lucid
%%
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
%%
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that
will last at least until we've finished building it.
%%
@uThe greatest lies of all time:@n
(1) I love you.
(2) This won't hurt a bit.
(3) The Mercedes is paid for.
(4) The check is in the mail.
(5) I was just going to call you.
(6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
(7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
(8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
(9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
(10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
%%
The human brain is like an enormous fish - it is
flat and slimy and has gills through which it can see.
-- Monty Python
%%
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats
a strange protein - it rejects it.
-- P. Medawar
%%
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
-- Ashley Montagu
%%
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
%%
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
%%
The only thing that stops God from sending
another flood is that the first one was useless.
-- Chamfort
%%
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
until 5 or 6 p.m.
%%
The past always looks better than it was.
It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
%%
The problem...is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
%%
The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
-- Justice Douglas
%%
The so-called lessons of history are for the most part
the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
-- Max Lerner
%%
The superfluous is very necessary.
-- Voltaire
%%
The trouble with being punctual is that people think
you have nothing more important to do.
%%
The trouble with doing something right the first time
is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
%%
The trouble with money is it costs too much.
%%
The universe does not have laws -
it has habits, and habits can be broken.
%%
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -
but the combination is locked up in the safe.
-- Peter DeVries
%%
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
%%
Theft from a single author is plagiarism.
Theft from two is comparative study.
Theft from three or more is research.
%%
There has been an alarming increase in the number
of things you know nothing about.
%%
There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
-- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society Convention, 1977
%%
There's no real need to do housework -
after four years it doesn't get any worse.
%%
This will be a memorable month -
no matter how hard you try to forget it.
%%
Those of you who think you know everything are
very annoying to those of us who do.
%%
Though a program be but three lines long,
someday it will have to be maintained.
-- The Tao of Programming
%%
To be is to do.
@i- I. Kant@n
To do is to be.
@i- A. Sartre@n
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
@i- F. Flinstone@n
%%
To be or not to be.
@i- Shakespeare@n
To do is to be.
@i- Nietzsche@n
To be is to do.
@i- Sartre@n
Do be do be do.
@i- Frank Sinatra@n
%%
To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
%%
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
-- Thomas Edison
%%
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job
will take the longest and cost the most.
%%
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
%%
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
-- Henrik Tikkanen
%%
Try not to have a good time...This is supposed to be educational.
-- Charles Schulz
%%
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done,
is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written
in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and
pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
absolutely perfect future.
-- Amrom Katz
%%
@uVail's Second Axiom:@n
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion
to the amount of work already completed.
%%
We can't really be wrong if we're just following Gods orders
You know, He wrote this book here
And in this book He says that He made us to be just like Him
So if we're dumb, then God's dumb (and perhaps a little ugly on the side)
-- Frank Zappa
%%
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand
the hardware, but we can @bsee@n the blinking lights!
%%
@uWethern's Law:@n
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
%%
What a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play.
-- From the film `War Games'
%%
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
-- Chinese proverb
%%
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really".
-- Dave Parnas
%%
Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%%
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
lets you choose your own form of misery.
%%
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still
very reassuring to know that it's still there.
%%
Why are you wasting time reading fortunes?
%%
You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
%%
You don't have to be crazy to live in this planet - but it helps.
%%
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
%%
You worry too much about your job. Stop it.
You're not paid enough to worry.
%%
We have them just where they want us.
-- James T. Kirk
%%
Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.
%%
Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet
exciting, unusual people and kill them.
%%
I don't know.  I don't care.  And it doesn't make any difference.
%%
Bullshit Detector.  When alarm sounds, please re-engage your brain.
%%
What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?
-- Bertolt Brecht
%%
A banker will lend you money only if you can prove you don't need it.
%%
You get the best view of Paris from the Eiffel Tower,
because you can't see the Eiffel Tower from there.
%%
Chuang Tzu dreamt he was a butterfly and did not know, when he awoke, if
he was a man who had dreamt he was a butterfly or a butterfly who now
dreamt he was a man.
%%
P.S. If you don't receive this letter, it must have miscarried:
therefore I beg you to write and let me know.
%%
If you turn on the light quickly enough you can see what the dark looks like.
%%
The author of the Iliad is either Homer or, if
not Homer, somebody else of the same name.
-- Aldous Huxley
%%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
%%
If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
%%
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
%%
You never want the one you can afford.
%%
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
%%
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
%%
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
%%
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
%%
Two obviously high-class old ladies are strolling down a city
street when they run across a grizzled, ragged old derelict
lying drunk in the gutter, covered with garbage, sewer water
running all over him.  "Hmmmph," sniffs one of the old ladies
haughtily.  "Cleanliness is next to godliness.  William Shakespeare!"

The drunk opens one yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her
balefully, and replies, "Fuck you.  Tennessee Williams..."
%%
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he
who does not ask remains a fool forever.
-- Old Chinese saying
%%
@uThe Odd Couple@n

"A penny for your thoughts?"
"A dollar for your death."
%%
Winston Churchill: "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us.
Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
%%
Bill Watterson, cartoonist: "Sometimes I think the surest
sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe
is that none of it has tried to contact us."
%%
Only Amiga used to make it possible
-- found in an EMail by Christian Stieber
%%
Life starts at '030, fun starts at '040, impotence starts at '86.
-- found in an EMail by Christian Stieber
%%
@uA microsoft joke (is that a tautology?)@n

Q: How many microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None.  They declare darkness to be an industry standart
%%
Objects may be divided up in three categories: malfunctioning
objects, objects getting broken and objects getting lost.
-- Russel Baker
%%
Die hier ausgedrückten Ansichten sind NICHT Public Domain, sondern Shareware.
Falls Sie auf Dauer meiner Meinung sein wollen, überweisen Sie bitte DM 50.-
auf das Kto. Nr. 161 377 21 bei der Spk. Paderborn (BLZ 472 501 01).
-- Michael Boehnisch
%%
I would rather light a candle than curse the darkness.
There was a time when I was very comfortable being part of the darkness
because I didn't understand the light.
-- Dave Mustaine (Megadeth)